I believe that I am a magnet for unhealthy, narcissist’s, users, liars, game players, damaged, deranged, don’t know what they want men. I try to sit back and reflect on all the losers I have dated, they are all the same, I seem to attract the broken, damaged, using pieces of shit! Is it fair for me to degrade these individuals? No it isn’t but I have the right to feel the way I do, am I completely perfect? Absolutely fucking not BUT when I don’t lie, use, cheat, or play mind games with them then I have every right to call them losers! I am to a point at fault because I keep attracting these kind of messes into my life, I don’t know if its because I feel like I can help them, feel bad for them, or if I am just as much as loser as they are, maybe all of the above for that matter!
I was a damaged person, it stems from a childhood of abuse, abuse of physical, mental, and sexually, I am a firm believer that words hurt worse than broken bones, you can heal from broken bones, but words not so much. Words create a havoc in your memory that can destroy the best of visions. Sometimes we suppress those memories and when we hear those words it brings back a response to that trauma that sometimes we don’t realize affects us at that exact moment. That suppressed memory kind of creates a storm that just sits and brews over time and then it just becomes a blanket of sadness, hurt, a madness that can defy the situation. In my life I had become the master of suppression, it took me a great deal of lifetime experiences to finally confront in my mind what had become my worse enemy and those where my thoughts. Suppression is a great form of cooping, dealing, and building a wall around you sometimes not intentionally, its a coping mechanism, its fight or flight at these moments. It took a lot of trauma and abuse to finally indulge into my mind and become ok with me as a person. To understand my mind and why I did what I did was so I could survive and I am at that point now where I am so proud of myself, I’m an amazing person, and I don’t deserve these toxic people in my life.
A little history, I was married to a very abusive person, I would have never known this because in my mind it was acceptable, but I was in college studying Psychology and I had to intern at a rape crisis and domestic violence place. We had to go through a pretty extensive training and while in this training I just broke down right in the middle of it. Everything the teachers where describing was me!! How was I suppose to help others when I couldn’t even help myself? At that moment not only did I help myself but I set myself up to help so many other women in my same exact spot. I was shocked, helpless, and scared! This history and story is for another time but the damaged he caused was terrible and I can finally say I have been free of that trauma for a long time, but it takes a long time to be okay again.
Then I meet my sons father, 13 years older than me, and right out of the bad marriage, he treated me great, I was not use to someone being so good to me, it was so strange, it literally put me in a tail wind down ward spiral because in my damaged mind I could not accept the fact that someone was good to me, he did not hit me, downgrade me, or tell me on the daily what a useless piece of shit I was, he told me how beautiful I was all the time. Functioning after being in an 8 year abusive relationship, 110% relying on someone for all your needs, to being on your own, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing! I in my mind I sabotaged that relationship because I couldn’t figure out why it was so strange to me, he gave my son and my son saved my life! Now his relationship with his son is another complete story for a completely different time too.
Fast forward a few years and my next real relationship is another major doosey, very verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug user. Another five years of listening to what an ugly person I was, lazy, useless, bad mother, etc.. He would come home and SCREAM insult after insult to me and my son, I remember crouching in the kitchen against the lazy Susan on the floor as he screamed at me along with kicking me in the rips with his steal toed boots. My then 7 year old son cutting nerf bullets and sticking nails in the tips to shoot him when he would scream or kick me. I am unsure why I allowed myself to be traumatized for so long, why did I allow him to tell me I was no good, scream and disrespect me in front of my son? I had no self esteem, I had no self love, hell I had no self respect, I felt like I deserved this, at times I almost felt like I was cursed. I finally found the strength to leave him, with the help of my best friend who helped me leave my abusive husband, I have realized I am very good at making decisions based on emotions, I can’t do that! Making decisions based on emotions is probably one of the worse things a person could do, I remember as child my mother always telling me that I had better think before I speak, fuck I have realized I had better think before I react, maybe both…
So with in the last ten years the men that I have invited into my life have been nothing but mind fucks, I have started to question whether decent men exist and then I look at my son, thank God! I just pray being raised by a single female with no male influence except for grandparents have help mold him into this amazing young man, he has seen me suffer, I don’t think he will mind fuck anyone.
So back to the chaos, I dated someone way out of my league, in high school he was the popular hot guy, never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be interested in me, so hell why no lets give this a shot. He lived a few states away so I would fly to see him or he would fly to see me, what a complete narcasist, unbelieveable!
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