My eyes are closed tight, not even a tear could escape, my mind is racing, I collect myself with deep breaths in and out, visualizing some place else, some place with no pain, my thoughts are a million miles a minute, I just want it to stop, please I tell myself, just stop.
My thoughts run away with me a lot of times, I am left alone with these thoughts, sometimes not a good thing but sometimes not a bad thing either, but in my minds eye I just can’t escape the pain. With my eyes clenched, my breathing slowly back to normal, I slowly open those eyes, and I look at my reflection with absolutely no recollection of whom is looking back at me. I study the image my brain is processing, I know I am there, I know that soul is a reflection of what I am to be, yet I can’t seem to fight my way through the obstacles that leave me stricken with grief.
Loneliness is real, it can make you crazy, but it can also really allow yourself to get to know the real you. Fighting internal battles can last a life time but I am making it my mission to conquer and continue on. Looking at that reflection makes me cringe, I don’t like what I see most of the time, I see the sadness, I don’t let people in because they are so good at letting you down or hurting your internal core. I’ve been blind sided by so many people that I have learned that keeping myself caged up is in my most best interests, even if its not entirely what I want.
I have learned that people want want want but don’t want to give back, they expect too much out of a situation, or aren’t willing to respect your wishes, use and abuse you, take take take until you completely have nothing left to give, not even to yourself. I am such a giver, I am so gullible, I am easy to forgive someone, I try to see the best in everyone and every given situation. My biggest downfall too… I will give and give and give until that breaking point, once I loose that trust in you, then I completely shut down, once I get to that shutting down point, any feelings I had for you no longer exist, I can make myself not even remember what it was like to even care for you, you no longer mean a thing to me, at least its what I want myself to think.
Fooling the fool with in is a great coping tactic and I don’t care who you are, we have all done this at some point in our life, if you say you haven’t then you are a liar. I am calling you out fool!! It starts with one and ends with yourself so stop letting that one cause so much grief inside you. Somedays are so much better than others, somedays I am straight forward level headed thinking straight, got my shit together, then the next I’m spiraling out of control in the fucking rabbit hole of hell fooling myself. Or I am trying to trick or fool my thought process, you get so use to living in despair that it feels so normal so your brain starts to rewire itself into the high way of hell. No way am I on that express lane of highways to hell anymore, fooling the fool has got to stop, madness only feeds the fool, not letting go of the bad is only fueling the long trips on the highway to hell. I have often said that hell is this life we live at this exact moment, we make it hell ourselves, we decide how we are going to feel about a certain action or experience causing us either excitement, anger, pain, or whatever emotion best describes you. We create our hell with the tools we have been given, reaching down into my internal self is tools to help us become better, we have the tools already, we just need to rediscover them, push past the blackout pain and look for the sparkle of hope, its there, we all have it somewhere.
Writing, blogging, what ever you call this is my escape, expressing my feelings is my relief, learning to find myself by rereading what I have written has given me so much hope that this battle is starting to be won. Sometimes being alone is a good thing, it gives me the time and freedom to reflect, the silence is a welcome in a mind that is so flash flooding all the time, it keeps the wrong people to stay away from me, it also shows who the true friends are too. Sometimes being alone can come a shock of realization of things you don’t want to know but these episodes of silence reasons of healing and just welcome it, self reflect, write, listen to music, read, just enjoy the beauty around you, sometimes you loose that all but let it come rushing back in. Respect, love, don’t get to close, heal with in, breath out expression and art, and just don’t give a flying fuck what your enemy thinks because you are already winning if they care that much to hate. Jealousy is such a bad disease to have that just runs rapid in so many peoples souls, just let it go, breathe and breath out the yuck!!!
You will win some and loose a lot, just remember when they try to reenter your life what they did when they left you the first time, people do change, I understand that, but second chances are just forbidden anymore. Be wise with words because you can heal a broken bone but you can’t heal a broken word, words hurt worse, I have always said that I would rather be beat, stabbed, shot, or hit then try to heal from words. Broken words create broken souls and broken souls can almost be lost if not realized.
Mirror Image 