Bruises…

The taste of blood still lingers in my mouth, metallic and salt, the sting from the smack still penetrating over my cheek bone. I sit on the cold tile floor holding my stomach in hopes that I don’t have to vomit because vomitting would require me moving past him. When you feel like you have no more tears to shed somehow a flood gate opens and the waterworks just don’t stop. My body trembles, I feel cold yet I am not, my face hurts but so does my head, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m pissed yet I sit here with his eyes and voice echoing in my ears, in my mind.

Make it stop….

Even years and years later I still feel the fear…

When I am all choked up and can’t find the right word just know behind that is a memory of something that has left a battle scar in my echoing soul that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because of you but it’s bringing out an emotion buried deep with in. I have tried to run so far past the memories of destruction but sometimes they have a way of catching up to me, when the sun goes down, and I am all alone the memories rotate on repeat. Internal bruises are the worse and stay your whole life. It’s kinda like a scar but the bruise has a way of making its way up to the surface of any situation. Disguises itself at times too, pops up out of know where, lingering frustrations of post traumatic stress. It is real and it sucks…

My son was five years old, he had these nerf guns, he would cut the tips of those nerf guns off, put nails or tacks into them, and shoot my abuser when he was screaming at me in a corner of whatever area of the house. Five years old!! Standing up to a grown man at five years old to protect his momma, what a shameful thing to have your child witness or participate in, but it happens a lot more often than people like to admit. Being told that you’re a bad parent, your child is a bad child, your dog is a piece of shit, you are lazy, stop laying on his couch because I wouldn’t sleep with him, kicked off the couch because I was leaving an indent in the couch, are you kidding me? Verbal abuse and screaming, a screaming so loud in my ear that my right ear drum burst and now have permanent damage to that ear, looking at your 119lb self in the mirror, and hating every inch of yourself because he told you that you where not good enough. Working as a bartender/waitress to support your child only to be told that your a whore and cheating on him, when he was the one out partying, doing drugs, and sleeping around on you… not coming home for days on end, but I would look at myself in that mirror and tell myself it was all my fault.

When you raise your voice just a little

it can trigger something

just please be aware of your words and how those words come across and even the tone

those bruises can be felt, maybe not seen by the visible eye, but they are there

My mother always told me growing up, be careful with your words, you can’t take them back once they are spoken. I never understood what she meant, I do now, I may not react right away, I may not speak back right away, I may need to just walk away from the situation so I don’t say the wrong words, just let me be! Don’t try to charge the energy by pushing my buttons causing a reaction because it doesn’t always end well. People need to self reflect because they may not intend on coming across as a major asshole, but its perceived that way, that perception can sometimes cause a traumatic experience within someone. This just recently happened to me, I found myself giving my all into a situation, but I was attacked at all corners of my approach at what I felt like I was doing a damn good job. I may have been doing a good job, his intentions may not have been hurtful, but my bruises within me took that as an internal attack, and I backed myself out of a corner/situation and left it! Is this healthy? Probably not but I will not stand or sit by being talked to in a manner of disapproval, it is strange because coming from a female would have been much more better because I don’t feel threatened by females, but strong men, with strong opinions, and not such good bed side manners, I get a bit intimidated by.

Men are issues in my life, my father abandoned me before I was born, domestic violence relationships, rape, and just rotten males period have given me a terrible taste in my mouth and tainted black memories.