Loops

I find myself on a repeat loop of desperation and an unconditional hate for myself at times. I try to tell myself, maybe even try to convince myself that it isn’t me, it’s the people I choose to occupy my time but in reality it’s me! It’s the same old senerio time in and time out! Go out of your comfort zone they say, date someone you normally wouldn’t they say, yet every single guy has said the same ole fucking line, “you are way too good for me, way too beautiful, you deserve better”, bitch please….

I don’t change anything about myself, I am me, I tell it like it is, love what I love, have my strong opinions on certain things, and respect for every single person that enters my visual field. I don’t allow people into my space, I trust no one, yet when I do allow that wall to crumble just a bit, I’m proven yet again why not one person in this world will ever be good enough to be on the same side of my wall!

I’m too fucked up, my life is a mess, I’m going through a lot, I’m not ready for you, you are too good for me, you are way to beautiful, you deserve better, when do the lies and excuses end, but when what ever flavor of the month is over who do they try to come right back too, nope sorry but you get one chance! Second chances don’t exist in my world! I am so over the bullshit lies, but it’s always the same! All men are the same! Disgusting, ignorant, using, dogs that do more damage than they do good! Is it fair that I place all men in this category, yes it is because not one has shown me any difference!! I’m done with it!

Sometimes in the midnight evening I find myself in a fog that gets a bit to stuffy but I find my way back through tear filled eyes to look at myself in a mirror and realize I am awesome!! I am worth it! I don’t deserve to ever feel like I’m not good enough! I’ve realized that this isn’t me but a terrible reflection of what I once was! I portray a wholesome energy and I believe I draw in the ones that need the help the most, but I need to help myself first! At the end of the day it’s only me I have to answer oo, I don’t want to choke down tears because I can’t understand why I wasn’t good enough! I will never allow myself to be put into that situation again nor will I ever allow someone to make me feel bad for my feelings!

Chin up buttercup!! Wipe those tears, straighten that crown, and dust off those battle wounds! No one deserves me because no one can ever meet my expectations anymore! That is ok! I have my dog, I have my cat, and I have my son! I am beautiful and I am too good! So maybe I need to jump back on that high horse and ride away in the sunset! I am now a memory and I hope in your reflection you see a tiny piece of me, the piece that got away!!