The strange feeling of nothingness, hopelessness, a sense of being stuck in a fog, not knowing where you are going, or evening understanding what is going on around you. This mental state has got me sedated in a realm of uneasiness and uncertainty. My thoughts get fixated on the task at hand but somehow my mind runs away in the mist, allowing my physical body to continue on with the task, but me not realizing what I just did. What the actual hell is going on? Questioning my own well being, my own life, my own thoughts, just trying to clear myself of this mist that has me trapped in this cage. I am fighting for my life within my own body, trapped in this cage of flesh, trying to escape, yet my mind is stuck. My fear is that I will never feel a happy emotion again or more so on a daily basis. I am so grateful and thankful to be alive, for my son, for my fur babies, and my family but I find no passion in becoming something great. One might say that I am suffering from depression, ups, downs, frantic feelings, or feelings of euphoric emotions at times but I beg to differ. I was depressed, I did take numerous medications to try and help elevate all those compressed feelings, even counseling of different types, nothing has worked. I have fought my heart and soul out to come to a point in my life where I now feel “content” and I can forgive the “ones” that have wronged me, yet here I am in this mist of bullshit. It is forbidding me to make progress, its like I am stuck in this quick sand that is taking its sweet old time drowning me. Please someone just help me out of this pit. I see beauty daily in my life, I thank God daily for allowing me to breath another day, to see the beauty in everything with my eyes, I am just in this rut of repetition in my mind and it just won’t compromise with me. Maybe I am crazy! I have asked myself that a lot, maybe I am mad, or maybe I am mentally ill, whether I am or not, I just want to know what the heck is going on with this haze over my mind. Its like my soul is trying so hard to connect with my brain but something in my brain is blocking the connection. I am in this spiritual awakening phase so I want to blame it on all this new information that I am obtaining but is that even true? I don’t know, I just know that I do not like this feeling or being disconnected from my self and my spirit.
I tend to choose narcissistic people too, I have this bad magnet or stigma attached to me that attracts all these bad people, they have controlled and consumed me my whole life. Just when I am trying to heal myself and learn that it isn’t me, I get bombarded by more narcissist. I am an empath, I can read people, I can tell if your lying or if your not, I can tell if you are a good person or a bad person, I know by the energy frequency you give off, the way you act or react, I’m almost a human lie detector test, I also feel and think that I can fix everyone. I feel all this energy and it consumes me and takes over, its like I am carrying a vest of other peoples energy and emotions around without ever looking at mown needs first. It is a pattern with me, when I say enough is enough, then I’m the bad guy, when I can’t take it anymore then I am the bad guy, if I can’t help in any way then I am the bad guy, and if I finally stick up and say what is bothering me then I am the bad guy. Being able to feel and read this kind of energy is exhausting! I am guessing I have not given myself proper time to heal or rest myself and now this fog is taking over. I just don’t know how to fix the issue or the problem but I can tell you that I am so sick of people making me feel like I am crazy, or that I am wrong, or that I am the bad guy. The gaslighting is crazy, the more I learn about these terms I can pin point in my mind “oh this is gaslighting” and I shake my head because no matter how hard I try to defend myself, I am always wrong. I need to understand that it is not my fault it is the people that I have given myself too. Energy suckers or energy vampires I call them, I wish my radar for detecting them at first sight was activated in me but unfortunately it is not. I do know that I need to focus on myself and my mental health, I need to heal from all these bad words and actions bestowed upon me. I keep letting the wounds reopen and oozing out, I can’t allow that, I need to let them heal and look at the scar as a talisman to something I beat.
Wishing that taking my own advice was as easy as it is writing it right now. It does make me feel amazing that I am at my laptop and typing what comes to my mind, it almost feels like a light in my spirit is getting brighter. Maybe I need to just write even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else or me for that matter, when the light bulb does come back on in my mind I can reread what I’ve wrote and have that “aww ha moment”. Abuse sucks and it makes you feel like you are loosing your mind. Whether it be verbally or physically its all awful, but in my own experience and opinion verbal is the worse, I feel its harder to heal from that than the physical part of it. Devastating that so many people are so miserable they need to make other people they love sink to their misery. Misery loves company, I never really understood that statement until recently. I have noticed that people are all about themselves, if you don’t do what they want when they want it, then they abuse you, make you feel like shit, make you feel like it’s all your fault. I notice that they never take accountability for their actions because its always the other persons fault. In a relationship it takes 2, its not just a one sided situation but yet it always seems to be the other person who isn’t doing enough, hmm, it literally makes me feel like I’m making this up, or did this even happen, or am I just loosing my mind?
Mirror Image 