Sometimes I take a long hard look at myself in the mirror and wonder why the reflection holds so much hurt! You’d look at me and never imagine that behind the smile is a lifetime of pain, suffering, and self hate! Right when you get a streak of positive things, your mindset is healthy, and the happiness is coming back; Something enters and destroys it all in a heartbeat!
They say misery loves company but I’m not sure how I feel about that nor do I technically agree with it either! When positive things are going on around me I get met with disappointment, disapproval, and disagreement! Why is that! No one can keep their word, promise, or intentions pure! I’m either stood up, blacklisted, ghosted, made to feel bad, discouraged, or made fun of! Can it be that every single person I choose in my life is bad? This can’t be it or true can it? So many questions I have, is it my over active mind, over thinking, or just insecurities messing with me? Or do I just choose shitty people?
Much of my life has been met with mental abuse, sexual abuse, and physical! My relationships whether it was friendship or lover type relationship has been very demanding and abusive! I often wonder how I made it through it, how I’m still standing on my own two feet now, but I can tell you that it breaks you down into billions or tiny pieces, even if those pieces are all gorilla glued back together one always seems to let loose and cause complete havoc on the progress made! It seems to be a pattern, I make amazing progress, become confident, make progress on learning about myself then someone comes along and destroys that! I see that it is my fault for allowing these people to hold such power over me but I haven’t learned how to not let that happen! When you wake up and feel beautiful, you start to talk to a potential someone only for them to ghost you, break plans, then leave you in the dark only gives those billions of pieces wiggle room to crumble! I am a precious package, handle me with care, but I handle everyone I the care too and sometimes put them more on a pedestal than they deserve!
I need my power back, I don’t think I’ve ever had power, maybe for a second but I had feeble hands and lost it! I need to feel that security again within myself and not let someone else destroy that! I know people can’t be happy for others who are because of jealousy or lack of motivation. Even on my darkest hour I would never make someone feel bad for not being able to make it to a birthday party knowing they worked all day, or continuing to cancel plans last minute, never apologizing for the mean things they have done, or not being honest about how they feel about you, or ghosting someone! I hate when someone makes a promise and then doesn’t go through with it, keeps you waiting or cancels last minute! Sending mixed signals! It’s all games! Oh but I don’t play games they say, yet the whole conversation and meet up was nothing but a game!!
I’m done! I’m better than this! I don’t deserve this and these people don’t deserve me! I’m no longer waiting, I’m no longer giving a second chance, nor am I going to be there for you! Now that things are turning around for me and amazing things are happening, I won’t be there when you try to come back!! I am not the same person anymore for I have risen from the ash and hold my power!!
Mirror Image 