Abandoning Friendship Version 1

I was always there,

a steady shadow,

offering myself until I had nothing left.

I was your alibi,

your comfort on special days,

the first voice to ask are you okay?

the first hands to clap when you shined.

I asked for nothing—

not riches, not promises—

only respect, only love, only honor.

But when the ground split beneath me,

when I was the one reaching out,

you turned your face away,

and somehow painted yourself the victim.

Now I see it clear:

loyalty is not a chain,

and love cannot bloom

where it is never watered.

So I abandon this friendship—

not with anger, but with finality.

I reclaim my hands, my heart, my light.

And in the silence that follows,

I find a strange kind of peace:

a reminder that I was always whole,

even without you.

“Always There”  Version 2

I was always there, your shadow in the night

Bled myself dry, just to make it right

You called my name when you needed a lie

But when I fell apart, you passed me by

Never wanted fortune, never asked for more

Only love and honor, nothing to ignore

I was always there—your alibi!

Always there—while you closed your eyes!

Always first to bleed, always first to care

But when I was broken, you weren’t there!

I lit your candles on your brightest days

Held your crown in a thousand ways

But when my sky collapsed, you turned away

Played the victim in your little play

Never begged for mercy, never asked for gold

Only wanted friendship, warm when I was cold

I was always there—your alibi!

Always there—never asking why!

Always first to bleed, always first to care

But when I was dying, you weren’t there!

Breaking chains… walking out the door

Won’t bleed my heart for you anymore

Loyalty dies when it’s one way

I’m taking my soul back today

I was always there—your alibi!

Always there—’til my soul ran dry!

Always first to bleed, always first to care

But when I was nothing—you weren’t there!

I was always there…

But now I’m gone.

“Shadows to Hold” 

I stand alone, my phone don’t ring,

Silent screen, it don’t mean a thing.

Used to burn with the static glow,

Now it’s empty, nowhere to go.

Helped ’em all, I bled, I gave,

Buried myself in the lives I saved.

“Friends” just ghosts in a hollow frame,

Distant thoughts, they forget my name.

Drinking’s deeper than the soul,

Party lights, but they turn me cold.

I’m left screaming, but nobody knows,

I’ve got nothing… just shadows to hold.

Every lie tastes the same as truth,

Every smile’s just a fading bruise.

Built their bridges, they let ’em drown,

I’m the echo when there’s no one around.

Dreams are static in a broken head,

Silent voices, the things unsaid.

I gave my heart, it was torn apart,

Still I’m choking in the dark.

Drinking’s deeper than the soul,

Party lights, but they burn me cold.

I’m left screaming, but nobody knows,

I’ve got nothing… just shadows to hold.

Shadows whisper, shadows crawl,

They’re the only ones who answer my call.

Take me under, I can’t fight this weight,

Empty silence feels just like fate.

Drinking’s deeper than the soul,

Party lights, but they turn me cold.

I’m left broken, I’m left alone,

Nothing left—just shadows to hold.

Shadows to hold…

Shadows to hold…

I’m nothing… nothing at all.

Sometimes I take a long hard look at myself in the mirror and wonder why the reflection holds so much hurt! You’d look at me and never imagine that behind the smile is a lifetime of pain, suffering, and self hate! Right when you get a streak of positive things, your mindset is healthy, and the happiness is coming back; Something enters and destroys it all in a heartbeat!

They say misery loves company but I’m not sure how I feel about that nor do I technically agree with it either! When positive things are going on around me I get met with disappointment, disapproval, and disagreement! Why is that! No one can keep their word, promise, or intentions pure! I’m either stood up, blacklisted, ghosted, made to feel bad, discouraged, or made fun of! Can it be that every single person I choose in my life is bad? This can’t be it or true can it? So many questions I have, is it my over active mind, over thinking, or just insecurities messing with me? Or do I just choose shitty people?

Much of my life has been met with mental abuse, sexual abuse, and physical! My relationships whether it was friendship or lover type relationship has been very demanding and abusive! I often wonder how I made it through it, how I’m still standing on my own two feet now, but I can tell you that it breaks you down into billions or tiny pieces, even if those pieces are all gorilla glued back together one always seems to let loose and cause complete havoc on the progress made! It seems to be a pattern, I make amazing progress, become confident, make progress on learning about myself then someone comes along and destroys that! I see that it is my fault for allowing these people to hold such power over me but I haven’t learned how to not let that happen! When you wake up and feel beautiful, you start to talk to a potential someone only for them to ghost you, break plans, then leave you in the dark only gives those billions of pieces wiggle room to crumble! I am a precious package, handle me with care, but I handle everyone I the care too and sometimes put them more on a pedestal than they deserve!

I need my power back, I don’t think I’ve ever had power, maybe for a second but I had feeble hands and lost it! I need to feel that security again within myself and not let someone else destroy that! I know people can’t be happy for others who are because of jealousy or lack of motivation. Even on my darkest hour I would never make someone feel bad for not being able to make it to a birthday party knowing they worked all day, or continuing to cancel plans last minute, never apologizing for the mean things they have done, or not being honest about how they feel about you, or ghosting someone! I hate when someone makes a promise and then doesn’t go through with it, keeps you waiting or cancels last minute! Sending mixed signals! It’s all games! Oh but I don’t play games they say, yet the whole conversation and meet up was nothing but a game!!

I’m done! I’m better than this! I don’t deserve this and these people don’t deserve me! I’m no longer waiting, I’m no longer giving a second chance, nor am I going to be there for you! Now that things are turning around for me and amazing things are happening, I won’t be there when you try to come back!! I am not the same person anymore for I have risen from the ash and hold my power!!

The strange feeling of nothingness, hopelessness, a sense of being stuck in a fog, not knowing where you are going, or evening understanding what is going on around you. This mental state has got me sedated in a realm of uneasiness and uncertainty. My thoughts get fixated on the task at hand but somehow my mind runs away in the mist, allowing my physical body to continue on with the task, but me not realizing what I just did. What the actual hell is going on? Questioning my own well being, my own life, my own thoughts, just trying to clear myself of this mist that has me trapped in this cage. I am fighting for my life within my own body, trapped in this cage of flesh, trying to escape, yet my mind is stuck. My fear is that I will never feel a happy emotion again or more so on a daily basis. I am so grateful and thankful to be alive, for my son, for my fur babies, and my family but I find no passion in becoming something great. One might say that I am suffering from depression, ups, downs, frantic feelings, or feelings of euphoric emotions at times but I beg to differ. I was depressed, I did take numerous medications to try and help elevate all those compressed feelings, even counseling of different types, nothing has worked. I have fought my heart and soul out to come to a point in my life where I now feel “content” and I can forgive the “ones” that have wronged me, yet here I am in this mist of bullshit. It is forbidding me to make progress, its like I am stuck in this quick sand that is taking its sweet old time drowning me. Please someone just help me out of this pit. I see beauty daily in my life, I thank God daily for allowing me to breath another day, to see the beauty in everything with my eyes, I am just in this rut of repetition in my mind and it just won’t compromise with me. Maybe I am crazy! I have asked myself that a lot, maybe I am mad, or maybe I am mentally ill, whether I am or not, I just want to know what the heck is going on with this haze over my mind. Its like my soul is trying so hard to connect with my brain but something in my brain is blocking the connection. I am in this spiritual awakening phase so I want to blame it on all this new information that I am obtaining but is that even true? I don’t know, I just know that I do not like this feeling or being disconnected from my self and my spirit.

I tend to choose narcissistic people too, I have this bad magnet or stigma attached to me that attracts all these bad people, they have controlled and consumed me my whole life. Just when I am trying to heal myself and learn that it isn’t me, I get bombarded by more narcissist. I am an empath, I can read people, I can tell if your lying or if your not, I can tell if you are a good person or a bad person, I know by the energy frequency you give off, the way you act or react, I’m almost a human lie detector test, I also feel and think that I can fix everyone. I feel all this energy and it consumes me and takes over, its like I am carrying a vest of other peoples energy and emotions around without ever looking at mown needs first. It is a pattern with me, when I say enough is enough, then I’m the bad guy, when I can’t take it anymore then I am the bad guy, if I can’t help in any way then I am the bad guy, and if I finally stick up and say what is bothering me then I am the bad guy. Being able to feel and read this kind of energy is exhausting! I am guessing I have not given myself proper time to heal or rest myself and now this fog is taking over. I just don’t know how to fix the issue or the problem but I can tell you that I am so sick of people making me feel like I am crazy, or that I am wrong, or that I am the bad guy. The gaslighting is crazy, the more I learn about these terms I can pin point in my mind “oh this is gaslighting” and I shake my head because no matter how hard I try to defend myself, I am always wrong. I need to understand that it is not my fault it is the people that I have given myself too. Energy suckers or energy vampires I call them, I wish my radar for detecting them at first sight was activated in me but unfortunately it is not. I do know that I need to focus on myself and my mental health, I need to heal from all these bad words and actions bestowed upon me. I keep letting the wounds reopen and oozing out, I can’t allow that, I need to let them heal and look at the scar as a talisman to something I beat.

Wishing that taking my own advice was as easy as it is writing it right now. It does make me feel amazing that I am at my laptop and typing what comes to my mind, it almost feels like a light in my spirit is getting brighter. Maybe I need to just write even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else or me for that matter, when the light bulb does come back on in my mind I can reread what I’ve wrote and have that “aww ha moment”. Abuse sucks and it makes you feel like you are loosing your mind. Whether it be verbally or physically its all awful, but in my own experience and opinion verbal is the worse, I feel its harder to heal from that than the physical part of it. Devastating that so many people are so miserable they need to make other people they love sink to their misery. Misery loves company, I never really understood that statement until recently. I have noticed that people are all about themselves, if you don’t do what they want when they want it, then they abuse you, make you feel like shit, make you feel like it’s all your fault. I notice that they never take accountability for their actions because its always the other persons fault. In a relationship it takes 2, its not just a one sided situation but yet it always seems to be the other person who isn’t doing enough, hmm, it literally makes me feel like I’m making this up, or did this even happen, or am I just loosing my mind?

Silent whispers awaken my busy mind

Nonsense choas slowed to a vacant pace

Mindless worries now a simple glance

Muted only by my bruised lips

A constant nagging lingering beneath my skin

Encompassed by a motivational spark

How do you make sense of the vibrant pain

Depleted by many understood by none

Walking a silent path with only loneliness

While darkness wraps it’s softness around you

Desires driven by the only light you hold

Baracaded by chains of yesterday’s hours

Salted kissed cheeks from tears of vacant hurt

Mind filled thoughts of turbulent choas

Brushed aside by unwanted mixed feelings

I am a survivor and I will continue to conquer

There is nothing that stands in the obstacles ahead of me for loosing is no option

The shattered pieces are being brought back together emerging into a masterpiece

You think you broke me then but you only ignited the fire

Stabbed, bruised, and defeated but not knocked down

You just created A warrior roaming these beaten paths

For I have risen from the ash so hear my roar

I find myself on a repeat loop of desperation and an unconditional hate for myself at times. I try to tell myself, maybe even try to convince myself that it isn’t me, it’s the people I choose to occupy my time but in reality it’s me! It’s the same old senerio time in and time out! Go out of your comfort zone they say, date someone you normally wouldn’t they say, yet every single guy has said the same ole fucking line, “you are way too good for me, way too beautiful, you deserve better”, bitch please….

I don’t change anything about myself, I am me, I tell it like it is, love what I love, have my strong opinions on certain things, and respect for every single person that enters my visual field. I don’t allow people into my space, I trust no one, yet when I do allow that wall to crumble just a bit, I’m proven yet again why not one person in this world will ever be good enough to be on the same side of my wall!

I’m too fucked up, my life is a mess, I’m going through a lot, I’m not ready for you, you are too good for me, you are way to beautiful, you deserve better, when do the lies and excuses end, but when what ever flavor of the month is over who do they try to come right back too, nope sorry but you get one chance! Second chances don’t exist in my world! I am so over the bullshit lies, but it’s always the same! All men are the same! Disgusting, ignorant, using, dogs that do more damage than they do good! Is it fair that I place all men in this category, yes it is because not one has shown me any difference!! I’m done with it!

Sometimes in the midnight evening I find myself in a fog that gets a bit to stuffy but I find my way back through tear filled eyes to look at myself in a mirror and realize I am awesome!! I am worth it! I don’t deserve to ever feel like I’m not good enough! I’ve realized that this isn’t me but a terrible reflection of what I once was! I portray a wholesome energy and I believe I draw in the ones that need the help the most, but I need to help myself first! At the end of the day it’s only me I have to answer oo, I don’t want to choke down tears because I can’t understand why I wasn’t good enough! I will never allow myself to be put into that situation again nor will I ever allow someone to make me feel bad for my feelings!

Chin up buttercup!! Wipe those tears, straighten that crown, and dust off those battle wounds! No one deserves me because no one can ever meet my expectations anymore! That is ok! I have my dog, I have my cat, and I have my son! I am beautiful and I am too good! So maybe I need to jump back on that high horse and ride away in the sunset! I am now a memory and I hope in your reflection you see a tiny piece of me, the piece that got away!!

The taste of blood still lingers in my mouth, metallic and salt, the sting from the smack still penetrating over my cheek bone. I sit on the cold tile floor holding my stomach in hopes that I don’t have to vomit because vomitting would require me moving past him. When you feel like you have no more tears to shed somehow a flood gate opens and the waterworks just don’t stop. My body trembles, I feel cold yet I am not, my face hurts but so does my head, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m pissed yet I sit here with his eyes and voice echoing in my ears, in my mind.

Make it stop….

Even years and years later I still feel the fear…

When I am all choked up and can’t find the right word just know behind that is a memory of something that has left a battle scar in my echoing soul that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because of you but it’s bringing out an emotion buried deep with in. I have tried to run so far past the memories of destruction but sometimes they have a way of catching up to me, when the sun goes down, and I am all alone the memories rotate on repeat. Internal bruises are the worse and stay your whole life. It’s kinda like a scar but the bruise has a way of making its way up to the surface of any situation. Disguises itself at times too, pops up out of know where, lingering frustrations of post traumatic stress. It is real and it sucks…

My son was five years old, he had these nerf guns, he would cut the tips of those nerf guns off, put nails or tacks into them, and shoot my abuser when he was screaming at me in a corner of whatever area of the house. Five years old!! Standing up to a grown man at five years old to protect his momma, what a shameful thing to have your child witness or participate in, but it happens a lot more often than people like to admit. Being told that you’re a bad parent, your child is a bad child, your dog is a piece of shit, you are lazy, stop laying on his couch because I wouldn’t sleep with him, kicked off the couch because I was leaving an indent in the couch, are you kidding me? Verbal abuse and screaming, a screaming so loud in my ear that my right ear drum burst and now have permanent damage to that ear, looking at your 119lb self in the mirror, and hating every inch of yourself because he told you that you where not good enough. Working as a bartender/waitress to support your child only to be told that your a whore and cheating on him, when he was the one out partying, doing drugs, and sleeping around on you… not coming home for days on end, but I would look at myself in that mirror and tell myself it was all my fault.

When you raise your voice just a little

it can trigger something

just please be aware of your words and how those words come across and even the tone

those bruises can be felt, maybe not seen by the visible eye, but they are there

My mother always told me growing up, be careful with your words, you can’t take them back once they are spoken. I never understood what she meant, I do now, I may not react right away, I may not speak back right away, I may need to just walk away from the situation so I don’t say the wrong words, just let me be! Don’t try to charge the energy by pushing my buttons causing a reaction because it doesn’t always end well. People need to self reflect because they may not intend on coming across as a major asshole, but its perceived that way, that perception can sometimes cause a traumatic experience within someone. This just recently happened to me, I found myself giving my all into a situation, but I was attacked at all corners of my approach at what I felt like I was doing a damn good job. I may have been doing a good job, his intentions may not have been hurtful, but my bruises within me took that as an internal attack, and I backed myself out of a corner/situation and left it! Is this healthy? Probably not but I will not stand or sit by being talked to in a manner of disapproval, it is strange because coming from a female would have been much more better because I don’t feel threatened by females, but strong men, with strong opinions, and not such good bed side manners, I get a bit intimidated by.

Men are issues in my life, my father abandoned me before I was born, domestic violence relationships, rape, and just rotten males period have given me a terrible taste in my mouth and tainted black memories.

My eyes are closed tight, not even a tear could escape, my mind is racing, I collect myself with deep breaths in and out, visualizing some place else, some place with no pain, my thoughts are a million miles a minute, I just want it to stop, please I tell myself, just stop.

My thoughts run away with me a lot of times, I am left alone with these thoughts, sometimes not a good thing but sometimes not a bad thing either, but in my minds eye I just can’t escape the pain. With my eyes clenched, my breathing slowly back to normal, I slowly open those eyes, and I look at my reflection with absolutely no recollection of whom is looking back at me. I study the image my brain is processing, I know I am there, I know that soul is a reflection of what I am to be, yet I can’t seem to fight my way through the obstacles that leave me stricken with grief.

Loneliness is real, it can make you crazy, but it can also really allow yourself to get to know the real you. Fighting internal battles can last a life time but I am making it my mission to conquer and continue on. Looking at that reflection makes me cringe, I don’t like what I see most of the time, I see the sadness, I don’t let people in because they are so good at letting you down or hurting your internal core. I’ve been blind sided by so many people that I have learned that keeping myself caged up is in my most best interests, even if its not entirely what I want.

I have learned that people want want want but don’t want to give back, they expect too much out of a situation, or aren’t willing to respect your wishes, use and abuse you, take take take until you completely have nothing left to give, not even to yourself. I am such a giver, I am so gullible, I am easy to forgive someone, I try to see the best in everyone and every given situation. My biggest downfall too… I will give and give and give until that breaking point, once I loose that trust in you, then I completely shut down, once I get to that shutting down point, any feelings I had for you no longer exist, I can make myself not even remember what it was like to even care for you, you no longer mean a thing to me, at least its what I want myself to think.

Fooling the fool with in is a great coping tactic and I don’t care who you are, we have all done this at some point in our life, if you say you haven’t then you are a liar. I am calling you out fool!! It starts with one and ends with yourself so stop letting that one cause so much grief inside you. Somedays are so much better than others, somedays I am straight forward level headed thinking straight, got my shit together, then the next I’m spiraling out of control in the fucking rabbit hole of hell fooling myself. Or I am trying to trick or fool my thought process, you get so use to living in despair that it feels so normal so your brain starts to rewire itself into the high way of hell. No way am I on that express lane of highways to hell anymore, fooling the fool has got to stop, madness only feeds the fool, not letting go of the bad is only fueling the long trips on the highway to hell. I have often said that hell is this life we live at this exact moment, we make it hell ourselves, we decide how we are going to feel about a certain action or experience causing us either excitement, anger, pain, or whatever emotion best describes you. We create our hell with the tools we have been given, reaching down into my internal self is tools to help us become better, we have the tools already, we just need to rediscover them, push past the blackout pain and look for the sparkle of hope, its there, we all have it somewhere.

Writing, blogging, what ever you call this is my escape, expressing my feelings is my relief, learning to find myself by rereading what I have written has given me so much hope that this battle is starting to be won. Sometimes being alone is a good thing, it gives me the time and freedom to reflect, the silence is a welcome in a mind that is so flash flooding all the time, it keeps the wrong people to stay away from me, it also shows who the true friends are too. Sometimes being alone can come a shock of realization of things you don’t want to know but these episodes of silence reasons of healing and just welcome it, self reflect, write, listen to music, read, just enjoy the beauty around you, sometimes you loose that all but let it come rushing back in. Respect, love, don’t get to close, heal with in, breath out expression and art, and just don’t give a flying fuck what your enemy thinks because you are already winning if they care that much to hate. Jealousy is such a bad disease to have that just runs rapid in so many peoples souls, just let it go, breathe and breath out the yuck!!!

You will win some and loose a lot, just remember when they try to reenter your life what they did when they left you the first time, people do change, I understand that, but second chances are just forbidden anymore. Be wise with words because you can heal a broken bone but you can’t heal a broken word, words hurt worse, I have always said that I would rather be beat, stabbed, shot, or hit then try to heal from words. Broken words create broken souls and broken souls can almost be lost if not realized.