Author: Sparrow

I am a single mother whose world revolves around my son.

When I say Goodbye…

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

When I say Goodbye….

Is it a stomachache or a knot, could it be butterflies, or just another trick the mind plays? Is the ego playing games with my subconscious, who really has control of all these thoughts, feelings, and chaos in my head? What am I feeling? Why do I feel? Why won’t the storm pass already and give some relief, a time for growth, understanding, and compromise? The hysteria is deafening, and I am overly tired from battling the blackness that has encompassed my very existence in this world. Is it normal to feel all these feelings or to question every single aspect of life presented to you now? I have no answers or explanations to cover these questions I ask myself daily, I only have life experiences from my point of view and that point of view has either been portrayed poorly or comprehended poorly, you decide!

I struggle daily, some days a lot more than others, I hold a hard face sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a frown. I act okay or unharmed but inside I am dead, well not completely dead, but just about. I find myself not becoming hurt as quickly as I can turn a blind eye rather quickly and throw those emotions away, I have been told I’m a black dark soul, I am not that, but I can tell you my heart is black as death, and I don’t think I will ever bleed red again. I am not okay with this analogy because my feelings do come to surface occasionally, not so much lately, but on occasion a rare nerve is pricked and I feel again, does that mean there is hope? I pray in a sense that there is hope, crawling out of this dark hole to see the sunlight or the moonlight is a rather far stretch but I still have a small inkling of belief in myself. I reminisce about walking barefoot on the green grass that is dampened with the nights dew, the full moon as bright as possible in the sky above, a gentle breeze captivates the curls in my hair, with no concern of those curls frizzing, I find myself at peace amongst the creatures of the night, with the most amazing smell of mother earth all around me. Is it the ground beneath those feet that calls me home? No for I will never be buried six feet under, rather I will be thrown into that wind under that full moon dancing in that gentle breeze free from the chaos that has been trapped in this earth body!!

The look of criticism is harsh, the words of criticism are sharper than razor blades, the wound created leaves a nasty scar, and that scar is a forever trigger of a failure you partook in. When you walk alone in this hurtful world you learn creative ways to cope with hurt, anger, and loneliness, it’s one of the worse things anyone could go through. It’s the most amazing thing how your brain tricks you to protect you yet leaves little subtle clues that can be triggered to create even more hurt in your later years of life. The walls that are built to either deal with that memory or to totally bury it; but remember nothing stays buried for ever because mother earth always rids herself of toxicity. Those buried memories become remains to be dissected at later points, deal with them now, don’t create a dungeon of hurt inside those walls of that brain, because you will become to that point where you question whether you should continue or forfeit.

I would love to expose every single piece of shit that I allowed to hurt, abuse, or use me in such ways that created confidence issue within me. I don’t want to give them the proper credit because they don’t deserve the recognition, yet I feel I need to talk about the actions that led me to feel like the ugliest piece of shit to ever be born.

I will never be good enough! I openly give myself to everyone, I trust everyone, I am an open book, I have complete and total trust in you, yet that is never given back to me, its always disrespect! Tell me that I am the most beautiful girl you’ve ever laid eyes upon, yet you have a girlfriend back home, you tell me that I am your soulmate, yet you move across the seas to marry her only to keep me at a distance in case it doesn’t work out, you abuse me verbally and physically because I was actually too strong for you to control so to keep me at bay you abuse me to the point of no return (yes I was actually in this same exact spot once before and survived it), you cheat on me with girls you know I dislike, you want to control me, keep me as a pet, someone I am not, everyone wants in my pants but never willing to actually be with me, I bare my soul and feelings to you only to find out your married, I date you yet you cheat on me yet keep playing with me, fly home and want to have sex yet your roommate girlfriend is home in your bed, I am only good enough to cuddle with, when the world is crashing around you and another girl hurts you then I’m good enough but never good enough to go on a cross country bike ride with you or to even acknowledge our pictures on Facebook, I’m the most amazing girl yet you lie to me about your drug issues and sexual addiction so you continue to be with your abusive girlfriend and cheat, oh but I’m only a sex text away right? Send me a nude picture after a year of no communication but suddenly when no one wants anything to do with you I am ok or good enough again. I am that hideous stain in the couch that is always covered up by something until nothing is available. Talk to me for 3 years trying to get me to have a drink with you, texting, then we hang out and text flirty texts and I am no longer good enough for your drug running ass. Oh, this is just the beginning of the fabulous useless men I have encountered. They all have a few things in common, addictions, compulsive lying, egomaniacs, abusive personalities and narcissists.

When you walk around with buried sadness it destroys any hope that you may have, you over analyze things that wouldn’t hurt the normal healthy person, you lift your heavy eye lids to look into a mirror of a reflection that you can’t fucking stand. The image in the mirror that glares back at you is so disgusting that there is not one good thing that you could compliment that image on.  Fighting back tears of utter disgust you get on barely with your daily activities asking yourself numerous times a day, how am I going to do this? Some how you manage to slither through the day with what seems like your shit is together when in reality one minor sliver of disrespect can shatter the mirror image you carry around. Amazing how humans are such great actors, who would ever think that I carry so much pain and grief around inside me, sure this resting bitch face must give some of my secrets away, or could it be the upkeep on my hair, or the perfect eyebrows, tattooed eyeliner, tattoos, eyelashes, perfect makeup, or the clothes I select for todays mood, if only the mind did not play such tricks, the eyes they say are the doorways to the soul but they also trick us into believing such ridiculous garbage!! Oh, how those simple things that people use to rip me apart can only signal their own sadness within, jealousy, hate yet with no compassion how that must make me an already damaged soul feel. The one thing that I do to help build my confidence that has been ruined by past relationships are now being judged by complete strangers that know absolutely nothing about me. So strange the human race is, to be trained to act out of anger, jealousy, and hate to make yourself feel better for one second. Shame shame shame!! Yet all this pain leads to ones to question their very existence on this earth, why I allow others to control my sanity and happiness. I can’t blame it on years of abuse, or can I? I am the only one that can change these behavioral patterns, to rewire the thought process is yet a whole other journey.

I can’t blame everything on the male species because females are just as nasty if not harsher! I shake my head as I reread that sentence because I can honestly say females suck!! I suck! I get it! I am also to blame for all my sorrows too, I admit to being the second half of the problem, I never allowed myself to heal yet I was never given the tools to do so. I have been used by females too, when they needed an excuse to meet their married boyfriends, I was the scape goat, when they needed rides to other cities to see their married boyfriends guess who drove them, guess who kept their secrets? When these boyfriends no longer wanted their companion guess who was no longer good enough? (Raising my hand) yes, I was tossed to the curb as if my investment in that so called friendship wasn’t respected. When their life is so shitty and they get fired from every single job guess whose fault that is, mine, when my money runs out and I need the help, guess who is no longer needed? When I don’t fit in because I am not a drinker or a drug user, I’m no longer invited or needed because I don’t fit in now, guess who suddenly becomes good enough because I know people in the band so they reach out to see if I can hook them up, fucking please bitches!

These issues may seem trivial to you or ridiculous, but to me they are not. I am not writing to gain sympathy yet to gain reality in my own mind, maybe seeing the pain written down can free the storm clouds before its too late. I don’t want to wake up and question why I do this every day. I don’t want to feel sad or darkness, I have feelings too, I am not a bad person, I am hurting, and I am admitting that I need to deal with this trauma before it becomes trauma for someone else. I hope that I can write and express in a way that it will click like an Edison light bulb and that light will be so bright that it sheds tears of joy. I should not have to question whether I am good enough or not, I should not fear that what comes out of your mouth will hurt me, I should not fear that today will be my last day. I love with all my heart and soul, I have so many battle wounds that yes you need to be gentle, don’t treat me like I am an idiot or there is something wrong with me, I have a voice, opinions, feelings, fears, that deserve to be heard and respected. When I feel like a caged animal I shut down, I turn you off, you are done, I know this is wrong so much, my battle wounds have been reopened and closed so many times, I just want to be respected, loved, and heard!! I deserve that!!! Everyone deserves that. If I raise my voice just listen, it just means that I feel like you aren’t listening or respecting my opinion, I have been told to shut up or stop talking since I was three years old, its now your time to shut the fuck up and listen! If I cry when I am talking to you, it means I’m being honest, passionate, it has value and meaning in what I am trying to convey! Everyone who speaks or has words has value and meaning, you may not agree but shut the fuck up, respect it and just listen. Sometimes just shutting up and listening can save someone’s life! Please before you say goodbye just listen…. Speaking is freeing and valuable in more ways than you will ever be able to understand.

Surviving a Life Time of Abuse

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

Part One…

The ground was cool to touch as the sun was rising, the grass still damp from the nights tears creating a dew upon the the earths surface, as my tiny feet walked amongst the cold ground and the crisp air took my breath away, my heart fluttered with the warmth of the sun around me, I felt safe. I was five or six years old, walking between the apartment building and the house next door to us, I was alone, and free at that moment until I came up to that camper that sat in between the house and our apartment complex. I stood there completely frozen, not from the crisp air, but the memories of what happened in that camper, I knew I was alone, so I continued to search for toys that I loved so much but haven’t been able to find. After collecting myself and feeling the warmth of the sun, I continued up to the trailer where I met the sidewalk and the garbage can that stood next to our apartment building. I searched the ground for the toys that I so loved, as simple as it seemed, the pretend forks, spoons, cups, plates, I loved, and enjoyed playing pretend with where missing. The garbage can lid was half on and half off, so pushed the top off hoping the tumbling of the lid didn’t create a distraction of my presence. I remember getting on my tippy toes to peek into that garbage can, low and behold there stood my toy fork and spoon. He told me he would take everything I ever loved from me if I didn’t do as I was told. Slowly but surely he took little by little everything from me.

One afternoon I decided to play outside, it was sunny, I loved the sun so much, I felt like it kept a loving protective glow around me. I also thought the moon followed me, I remember driving late at night in the car with my grandmother, always intrigued by the moon, it was magical to me, my place to escape, I would tell her that it was following me, I believed it, and I still do. The sun also became a blanket of security for me too, maybe it was some sort of escape from reality for me but it helped me and the thought still helps me to this day. This one afternoon I was tired from playing hard, my mom had a lawn chair out in the front yard next to the sidewalk, I took it upon myself to lay down on my belly, the right side of my face towards the lawn chair, while the left side soaked up the glow of that sun. The day was gorgeous, in my mind one of the most gorgeous days ever, not too hot not too cold, perfect amount of sun with a breeze from Lake Superior, I slept there for I have no idea how long. I was so relaxed, so happy, I was safe, in the arms of the suns warmth. Until the storm loamed over me and covered me in his shadow. Laying there paralyzed, I pretended to be asleep as he kicked the lawn chair, talking to someone, my breathing became so heavy, I wanted to cry, I laid there still as ever as he rubbed the back of my tiny leg, and walked away. I tuned out his voice as he was talking, I knew it was him, I knew as I heard the sounds of foot steps that it was his energy approaching me, the sun couldn’t protect me, his gloom was too much, paralyzed moments after he left, I jumped up and hid in my room.

I hated that apartment! We lived on the bottom level, he lived on the second level with his family, the neighbors had sons, I want to say two sons, but I blocked out so much of the trauma I can’t quite remember, we would play with his younger brother, we (me, my sister) where the same age. I don’t remember what happened in that camper next to the apartment and the house but I know my clothes where removed, I had lost a sock, it was in that camper, my mom was so mad at me for loosing that sock, but I wouldn’t ever go back in there to get it. He took us (my sister and I) in that camper with the neighbor boy, sometimes he would be by himself, he would tell us that if we told anyone he would destroy all our toys, we would be the ones in trouble, we never said a word…. He hated me!! He tormented me the worse, would get the neighbor kids to tease me, take my toys, break them, and just follow me, just his glare, his stare gave me the worse nightmares. When his family moved, I was so happy, I thought it was over, I knew no better, I thought this was normal, I didn’t think anyone would believe me, so I shut down. I trusted no one and it only got worse, we moved to the same street, 3 houses away from them, it only got worse…..

I went from being a social butterfly in Kindergarten, I remember always getting into trouble for talking to everyone, getting up and going to my friends tables, playing with friends, being the typical kid, to complete social anxiety, quite, scared, and living in a nightmare within myself. My self worth diminished, I didn’t know what these feelings where, I didn’t know what being depressed at 6 or 7 meant, I just knew I was having things done to me that I did not like, I was being ridiculed for the way I looked, for the way my body was growing, and I had no one to talk too. Friendships scared me, I trusted no one, I became socially awkward, I became numb, didn’t care, struggled with school, acted out, and realized that men where a huge disappointment. In my mind my father didn’t want me which caused a huge void and insecurity with in me and then I had my families best friends son sexually and mentally abusing me and my sister. My self image shattered and when I looked into that mirror and seen that broken mirror imagine I seen nothing but ugliness. All this learned and felt by the age seven…..

SELF REFLECTION:

At 44 years old, in this moment, as I lay here writing this, I still feel nothing, I am hoping that as I write this, I get angry, I get pissed off, I cry, I punch something, I scream, I laugh, I forgive, and I let it go, my life has been nothing but a long ass line of fuckerary. I have emitted energy of abuse therefor attracting abusive men and women into my life, it stops now! I have found my voice! I have found the love for myself, I glued all those shattered pieces back together in the most amazing imperfect piece of art. My journey starts today as I talk about the shit that has happened to me, I want to talk about it, I want to share with someone, I want to free myself from that shadow that loomed over me that one day in that lawn chair. I was robbed of the majority of my life but its never too late to start to heal, become better, and create the journey you always wanted. I want to help other people who have shared in the struggle of abuse and help create an awareness and a safe place for them to go. I have ruined so many friendships and relationships because I couldn’t let the hurt go, I couldn’t trust someone, I played the victim and was just stuck on repeat, almost like ground hogs day, the loop just kept going and going and going, until now. I smile now because I know these memories cant hurt me, he will never hurt me, he started this pattern of abuse, I wish I would have been strong enough to stand up to him long ago, he wasn’t the first abusive person to come into my life, I have had many, but that now stops. As I state at the screen and the words flow, I find a sense of that sunshine and that moon creating a gentle blanket of warmth, safety around me, I know that some days will be better than others talking about this, but its time, its time to share, its time to heal, and its time for me to take the reigns of my life back. The things I am going to talk about aren’t going to be for the faint of heart, its not going to be good, maybe graphic, maybe traumatic to someone else, but the darkness in my head is leaving, my mind is opening up to so many new possibilities because its not fogged down by a depressive shadow looming. Why now you may wonder? When you ask now, why now, I can’t answer that, it just feels right, I feel it in my body, my soul, like its bursting out of the seams to be told, its time for my story, I hope that I can help at least one person. I ask for no sympathy just encouragement while I write my journey. I appreciate the fact that I am finally able to do this, so please stay tuned to help me while I go along.

When A Legend Rises

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

You left him, you doubted him, you degraded him, yet to me he was beyond perfection!

You kicked him to the dirt, abandoned him, blamed me for your decisions, and left me with all the responsibilities of raising a young child on my own, THANK YOU, best gift I ever received! You burnt us down and left us in the wind only to be scoped up and put back together.

You didn’t want him from the day I told you I was pregnant, made me feel bad for choosing to keep him, never went to an appointment because “being a so called Rockstar wanna be was more important” but here I am, with a living legend!

My sons memories of you are not great, broken promises, a 3 year old standing in a picture window waiting for his daddy to show up, but never does, because what ever flavor of the week was more important! Telling him that he is a disgrace to you because he couldn’t do 5 push ups in a row, chasing him around my car to spank his ass because he told you like it was at 5 years old, that little 5 year old looking up me saying “Mommy please don’t ever make me see this man ever again, I don’t like him” that same little boy remembering being thrown on your bed at 4 and locking him in your dark room because he was crying to come home, leaving him in there to cry himself asleep, that same little 4 year old that lost his pacifier under the couch, crying and you screaming at him. When he was 2 months old and crying in his car seat because you wanted to eat, grabbing him and putting him in that dark room with the door shut, as he screamed his head off, not letting me go to my son, when I went and grabbed him and got ready to leave you told me I was creating a bastard. Money was more important in your simple boring world, the dollar sign drove the madness within you not allowing you to see that you have a son in front of you that at one time looked up to you. Its never your fault, no, its always someone else’s fault, doesn’t matter because to place the blame only masks the guilt and negativity in your sad pathetic world.

You burnt us down to ashes, but remember legends rise…..

That bastard that you so called said wasn’t good enough is more of a man than you would ever be!

Let me tell you about my son, my sons name is Nicholas, I knew the minute I conceived, I knew it, I felt it, something was different, I knew my life was about to change, I was so scared, yet so excited, I had no idea how the hell I was going to do this but I was determined. Things happen for a reason, I was meant to be married in a very bad relationship, that marriage had me move to Florida where I met my sons father, I was suppose to do everything that had happened up to that point because never once did I get pregnant with my ex husband but right away with my sons father, everything is meant to be. I knew the first time I seen this little ball of energy on my first ultrasound picture, he literally looked like an alien with his legs just a kicking, he was a mini on a mission! As he grew, my love and bond with him intensified, I couldn’t stop imagining how beautiful he was, what those little feet would like like, I couldn’t wait to kiss him. Well he decided to join this world early at 6 weeks before his due date, he wanted out NOW, and as I would grow to learn what Nicholas wants Nicholas will have! So he spent a month in the NICU and finally came home, he has never left my side.

Perfection is sought, dreamt about, longed for, in my eyes I have it, I created it, I gave birth to a son that has more brains, wits, dedication, smarts, talent, and knowledge than anyone I have ever met. I am not sure how I got so lucky, he chose me to be his mother, a love that only grows as the hours pass, I can remember as if it where yesterday holding him on my chest as he slept, that is where he would stay for years to come, now as a young man we are still very close, we can tell each other anything, I look at him in complete awe and admiration because he is more than I could have ever imagined becoming. My struggles as a single mother where real but worth every single second. My struggles and pain paved a road of enlightenment for my son, a vision of what he didn’t want or to become, ways he would change his future for the better, learning from my heartache to become the legend he already is. Legends rise and they fall, we all have the ability to become one, its what we do with the knowledge of life we lived or will live to create this status. I have watched my son suffer, hurt, cry, be angry, laugh, be distant, learn, grow, love, and I wouldn’t change anything! I gave up a lot of my wants and dreams so I could raise my son, I don’t regret a single second, I would do it over and over because to see him take his first steps, speak his first word, play his first sport, dress up as Rambo, and now going off to the Navy, these breathtaking moments are what I have lived for. I am awe struck at how powerful his motives are to become an amazing man in a society that doesn’t seem so beautiful, but he has a voice and a big one, I believe he is going to be a voice of his generation, a name that will be known, his compassion is going to help so many people, as I sit on the sidelines applauding my son, I will always remember that little boy that loved his momma, chicken nuggets, his nookie, and stitch so much.

So with so much hate, hurt, and anger that has succumbed us in his small amount of life thus far, he is far from a hateful, hurtful, angry kid, he’s outspoken, disciplined, dedicated, passionate, loveable, beautiful, funny, quick witted, driven, and so full of life that world is in for a wild ride with this one. He will change the world one person at a time with his very essence and presence I just can’t wait to ride passenger for one his circle of life. I couldn’t be more proud of the young man that I call my son Nicholas. I have never and will never love a human as much as I love him, I would sacrifice my life over and over for him because he deserves nothing less, being a mother has been the best gift that I have ever been given. I would not do anything different, I can not wait for the world to witness his strengths and learn from his weaknesses, for he will we talked about, he will be written about, he is a legend rising. He is my hero!

Mind Fuck

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

I believe that I am a magnet for unhealthy, narcissist’s, users, liars, game players, damaged, deranged, don’t know what they want men. I try to sit back and reflect on all the losers I have dated, they are all the same, I seem to attract the broken, damaged, using pieces of shit! Is it fair for me to degrade these individuals? No it isn’t but I have the right to feel the way I do, am I completely perfect? Absolutely fucking not BUT when I don’t lie, use, cheat, or play mind games with them then I have every right to call them losers! I am to a point at fault because I keep attracting these kind of messes into my life, I don’t know if its because I feel like I can help them, feel bad for them, or if I am just as much as loser as they are, maybe all of the above for that matter!

I was a damaged person, it stems from a childhood of abuse, abuse of physical, mental, and sexually, I am a firm believer that words hurt worse than broken bones, you can heal from broken bones, but words not so much. Words create a havoc in your memory that can destroy the best of visions. Sometimes we suppress those memories and when we hear those words it brings back a response to that trauma that sometimes we don’t realize affects us at that exact moment. That suppressed memory kind of creates a storm that just sits and brews over time and then it just becomes a blanket of sadness, hurt, a madness that can defy the situation. In my life I had become the master of suppression, it took me a great deal of lifetime experiences to finally confront in my mind what had become my worse enemy and those where my thoughts. Suppression is a great form of cooping, dealing, and building a wall around you sometimes not intentionally, its a coping mechanism, its fight or flight at these moments. It took a lot of trauma and abuse to finally indulge into my mind and become ok with me as a person. To understand my mind and why I did what I did was so I could survive and I am at that point now where I am so proud of myself, I’m an amazing person, and I don’t deserve these toxic people in my life.

A little history, I was married to a very abusive person, I would have never known this because in my mind it was acceptable, but I was in college studying Psychology and I had to intern at a rape crisis and domestic violence place. We had to go through a pretty extensive training and while in this training I just broke down right in the middle of it. Everything the teachers where describing was me!! How was I suppose to help others when I couldn’t even help myself? At that moment not only did I help myself but I set myself up to help so many other women in my same exact spot. I was shocked, helpless, and scared! This history and story is for another time but the damaged he caused was terrible and I can finally say I have been free of that trauma for a long time, but it takes a long time to be okay again.

Then I meet my sons father, 13 years older than me, and right out of the bad marriage, he treated me great, I was not use to someone being so good to me, it was so strange, it literally put me in a tail wind down ward spiral because in my damaged mind I could not accept the fact that someone was good to me, he did not hit me, downgrade me, or tell me on the daily what a useless piece of shit I was, he told me how beautiful I was all the time. Functioning after being in an 8 year abusive relationship, 110% relying on someone for all your needs, to being on your own, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing! I in my mind I sabotaged that relationship because I couldn’t figure out why it was so strange to me, he gave my son and my son saved my life! Now his relationship with his son is another complete story for a completely different time too.

Fast forward a few years and my next real relationship is another major doosey, very verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug user. Another five years of listening to what an ugly person I was, lazy, useless, bad mother, etc.. He would come home and SCREAM insult after insult to me and my son, I remember crouching in the kitchen against the lazy Susan on the floor as he screamed at me along with kicking me in the rips with his steal toed boots. My then 7 year old son cutting nerf bullets and sticking nails in the tips to shoot him when he would scream or kick me. I am unsure why I allowed myself to be traumatized for so long, why did I allow him to tell me I was no good, scream and disrespect me in front of my son? I had no self esteem, I had no self love, hell I had no self respect, I felt like I deserved this, at times I almost felt like I was cursed. I finally found the strength to leave him, with the help of my best friend who helped me leave my abusive husband, I have realized I am very good at making decisions based on emotions, I can’t do that! Making decisions based on emotions is probably one of the worse things a person could do, I remember as child my mother always telling me that I had better think before I speak, fuck I have realized I had better think before I react, maybe both…

So with in the last ten years the men that I have invited into my life have been nothing but mind fucks, I have started to question whether decent men exist and then I look at my son, thank God! I just pray being raised by a single female with no male influence except for grandparents have help mold him into this amazing young man, he has seen me suffer, I don’t think he will mind fuck anyone.

So back to the chaos, I dated someone way out of my league, in high school he was the popular hot guy, never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be interested in me, so hell why no lets give this a shot. He lived a few states away so I would fly to see him or he would fly to see me, what a complete narcasist, unbelieveable!

Who am I?

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

Who are you? That is a very hard question, if you asked me this yesterday and compared to what I might say today it could totally be a randomly different answer, I have changed so much since I was able to make decisions on my own, now sometimes people may think well that was from the very beginning, some may say when you turned 18, well mine wasn’t until I was 26 years old, even then I couldn’t make a logical decision.

So who am I, I am a mother first a foremost with a heart larger than life, my son is my life, my pride and joy, the greatest love of my life, and the best thing that I could have possibly ever done in many life times. I fucked up a lot in life, didn’t accomplish a lot, didn’t do a lot of things that I wanted too, but he makes up for all that because I got to spend every single second with him, watching, learning, and growing.

I am a free spirit, I find the beauty in the smallest thing, I see the glimmer in the dullest object, I see hope in the worse case scenario, I find passion in everything that I go about and do, I see energy in everything good and bad. I learn something new every single day and try to not take a second for granted. I no longer blame my past pain on everyone else but myself and except the fact that it was a learning curve. I am learning to not hold a grudge, don’t over react, walk away, keep your mouth shut, don’t argue, and talk about what ever is bother you. Simple! Simple is amazing! Love is even better!

I am a lover of the sun and the moon, the energy of mother earth and all her beauty guide me in my seeking of knowledge and healing. My soul is in major need of healing and I am all about cutting cords, letting the negative go, and accepting forgiveness.

UnLOVEable

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

Life brings an unreasonable amount of pain, some is expected, some isn’t, some is self created, and then there is the unexpected. How we choose to react to the pain is based on past experiences in my opinion. We create a visualization in our mind based on reactions and end results. Past trauma scars us for a life time either for the better or the worse. In my world these scars created a bad affect on my thought process. My opinion on my self and very existence was very negative due to very low self esteem.

Who Am I? Living with Depression….

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

*******I do not own the rights to this image, but I thought it was exactly how I was feeling and beautiful, here is the direct link that you can follow to buy this gorgeous piece: https://www.deviantart.com/kater31/art/Depression-306891283   ******

When the days seem so dreary along with the feelings of loneliness creeping in, the haze filled mind seems so unsettled and vacant. One single thought radiates throughout the dark moments, one that makes no sense, yet seems so fitting, why am I still even here? A purpose of uselessness and disgust fills the heart and gut only creating the most unsettling feelings. Where did I go wrong or why do I deserve to feel so poorly? I just don’t understand… the dark only gets darker and the hope only gets further and further away! I see myself in a tornado of grey thoughts that consume the worse part of me, the penetrating hatred for myself never seems to end. I wasn’t always like this, at least I don’t think I was, I don’t understand why I deserve to be treated so poorly or why I of all people must feel so poorly for myself… how do you put into words the madness that swirls in the mind that only I can hear and see? It’s like a blizzard at times with no ending in sight but once in a while I do see the sun pop through leaving me some hope that the cloud over me will eventually go away!! I’m not sure if that glimmer of hope is only a teaser so I continue to suffer longer by holding onto hope or if it’s really a chance of making it out of this sadness alive!

I believe I allow others words to affect me more than I should and even their actions! I guess I’m different! I do what I say and I mean what I say! I don’t make promises and not follow through but when I get in this trap and consumed in my head I have to place to run to so the tears flow un-freely! I mask my sadness with a face of a fake smile, but deep inside I’m broken into a billion pieces that can’t seem to fit back together! I’ve hurt those near and dear to me with my own misery and it’s not that I want too, it’s the darkness! Where does it come from and when will it leave? I use to be so happy until my self esteem was stolen from me and little by little that wound grew larger and larger because I never allowed myself to heal! Is it too late? Am I still able to heal? I’d take the scar over this pain any day!

Words From the Broken Mouth

~ Sparrow ~ 1 Comment

I try…

I try so hard… yet all they see is my failures!

It’s never good enough.. or I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, or I’m sorry I did say that…

You need to be careful with your words! Once it’s spoken out in the universe it can’t be taken back! My mom use to tell me growing up “you better think before you speak” and I never understood that, guess what? I do now more than ever! Maybe that’s my karma, maybe I deserve to be scarred with words out of the mouths of others! I always thought my own words where the most toxic to oneself but it isn’t at all, it’s the words that are spoken at you, to you, and about you. It’s hard not to take it personal because verbal abuse is definitely one of the hardest things to heal from. I’d take broken bones over broken words any day.

When you are screamed at for never doing anything right, or not being good enough, or you didn’t do this on time, or didn’t buy the right thing, it’s devastating to your energy. When it’s someone you love doing the screaming and yelling it makes you mentally ill and it’s so hard to come back up from the rude hurtful words. How do you heal? How does someone who loves you use what hurts you so much against you?? I try to understand but it’s so much easier not to understand but yet I destroy myself trying to get it. People are cruel!

When you have a so called best friend use every insecurity agains you to rip you apart, make fun of you, belittle you, and call you a liar it’s very damaging! They say these people do this because they are jealous but I think it’s more that they hate themselves they need the power to feel somewhat better!

I don’t know if I’m quite I guess you know why, I’m scared to let anyone in because they will use it against me to hurt me or they will yell at me and tell me I’m not good enough!! I’m a broken mirror and I’m shattered, my pieces are all over, a little piece of me is spread out amongst this world, I just hope someday my pieces help someone else…

Highly Suspect

~ Sparrow ~ 1 Comment

The fever is real… Buy that concert ticket! See that band for the first time live… see that band again and again… stay alive!!!

Highly Suspect was on my reel this month,

I’ve been a legit fan for 2 years, went to the tattoo shop to start my arm sleeve at New Age Tattoo, Corey my tattoo artist has this huge television screen with a PlayStation attached to it. Little did I know that I was going to be introduced to a band that would deeply touch my soul but I’d also get that sleeve tattoo finally! As my relationship grew with my new friend so did my relationship with music! Highly Suspect played repeatedly on that television screen and my love affair only would grow…. painful times while that tattoo gun stuck ink permanently into my skin all the while the music by Johnny and his best friends became a permanent imprint in my heart/soul! Besides the buzz of that gun, the sound of Highly Suspect was in my daily routine and etched into my memory from that point on.

I bought tickets for a show last year…. couldn’t go… I thought my dream of seeing my new band live was crushed. I was devastated! So I started to follow them on Instagram and Twitter where from afar they let us become one on one in the lives of rock gods. Johnny ended up breaking his foot and the tour had to be put on hold while he recovered! I thought “oh my lord I will never see them” but I kept my iTunes blasting Highly Suspect and my hopes of a new tour in my dreams!! Guess what dreams do come true!!!

November 5, 2019 in Milwaukee at the Pabst Theatre my life changed….

I’m 42 years old, I’ve been to ALOT of concerts, I’ve seen a lot of bands I wouldn’t see again, I’ve seen some amazing bands, but Highly Suspect is different! I had NO expectations, just a dream to see this Instagram person in the flesh singing music that has struck cords in my own blood flow. I was on a mission to be in that front row!

Before the concert we pregamed and had drinks at this really cool bar across from the Pabst Theatre called Newsroom Pub, while drinking my margarita on the rocks, four guys come from across the street and sat next to us. I knew they where with the band but I wasn’t going to invade their space, but it was Matt the guitar player and Mark the keyboard player with two roadies! Phenomenal men!! Great conversation, great stories, and I bought them each a shot of Jameson with a pickle back!! They where so nice and it was so refreshing to see rockstars that aren’t assholes, that give a shit, and love to mingle with the rest of us fans. We get in line for our seat and I’m in a panic at the people ahead of us, I though I’m never going to get up there, but WE DID!! Front row right in front of Rich and Johnny!! I didn’t expect to be able to reach up and stroke Johnny’s leg if I really wanted too (trust me I wanted too but I’m not that disrespectful)….

I was shaking, I felt like a toddler meeting Iron Man when they walked out on stage! I had to check myself because I couldn’t believe I was touched down in Milwaukee looking up to these gorgeous guys!! Johnny is so much more beautiful in person, don’t get me wrong he’s HOT, social media and pics don’t do him justice! When he’s in his element all natural and ready to rock this guy glows larger than life! His words of hurt, love, anger, and life are so romanticized on stage, you live the struggle with them, you feel every single word, then Rich sings and OMG, the heartfelt desires and anguish makes everything in that room soar with the energy emitted from the crowd! Ryan the drummer, Mark the keyboard player, Ryan the drummer, and Johnny the guitar player/lead singer have this bond, this friendship, this energy that makes your blood boil in envy and desire! I’ve seen nothing like it… his voice is just like the music that came out of the studio, so raw, so real, he’s mesmerizing beyond anything I’ve experienced! I just have no correct words to simply the magnitude of respect I have for this band! Way beyond my expectations and my utmost respect! They deserve to be heard and they deserve to be noticed!!!

So Johnny was right in front of me a lot, at one point he even got down eye to eye with me and sang, yes I have this all on video, I was frozen being eye to eye with this stunning individual, he intimidates me in a good way! You can see when he sings the passion, it’s in his movement, in the way he plays that guitar, how he looks out to his fans, the hurt, love, pain, and respect makes me bleed so much more for them! His words are his words but they reach out to us fans in our own ways too, it helps us in days we can’t cope, days we want to give up, or just a friend that we need at that moment in time, exactly why music is so important! When you feel like you have no one and your alone, you never are, just go play your favorite music and your friends are right there! That crowd felt a connection with Highly Suspect and we now have bonds with each one of them! They put on a great show, full of life, energy, and passion! Nothing like I have ever seen!! Even the crew came on stage and shredded shit up, mad fucking props to this hard working bunch of dudes that rock the shit out of the place!! I mean WOW!!

After the show Matt and Mark would wonder around outside and stopped to talk to us numerous times along with the road crew that was in the bar! I mean I have so much respect for them!! They are so nice and CARE ABOUT THE FANS!!! We waited in the 22 degree cold for Johnny to come out for over an hour, toes numb and about to fall off I almost gave up, but there he was! He could have easily said hey guys and walked to his bus BUT HE DIDNT!! He stood outside for 15 minutes with the 7 of us that waited around and talked to us! It was finally my turn, I got two hugs and a picture! He’s SO NICE!! I mean I’m not sure what I was expecting but he was everything and more! I never got to meet Ryan and Rich but I met their dogs ❤️❤️ Kydids, omg she’s beyond gorgeous, I walked up to the merch booth and blown away by her beauty, I told her that her pictures didn’t do her justice she’s beyond beautiful, she was like oh thank you what’s your name and shook my hand! Seriously you guys this crew is MCID beyond words!! I love the bond and friendship they have it’s one of a kind and it’s glorious! Matt and Mark you guys rock and I can not wait to see you guys again!!! Soon!! You will never truly understand the mad respect I have for each one of you and the fucking rocking show you put on, it’s what a rock show should be!!! HIGHLY SUSPECT MCID

CHECK OUT THE NEW ALBUS ITS BEYOND PHENOMENAL 🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻 see you again at the rock show guys!!

Failure

~ Sparrow ~ 2 Comments

“a lack or deficiency of a desirable quality.”

Failure, what does that word mean to you? How does it make you feel? How do you stop negotiating with this word? Things that go through my mind, why didn’t I finish that, why didn’t I do that, how come I didn’t realize that was wrong, or where did I screw up? If “only” or what “if” or “why” me… playing the victim or making excuses has been my escape to reasons things didn’t work out in my favor! If I wouldn’t have given up, or listened to the nay sayers, or just stuck true to myself would I still feel this way? Of course I would, why? Because we are all our own worse critics! So how do we change this? Stop comparing your life with someone else’s, give yourself a damn break, and forgive yourself along with loving yourself! Now I need to preach what I sow because I’m so guilting of doing none of these!!

Growing up with extreme low self esteem has molded my self doubt and my failure attitude towards things! I do believe that everything happens for a reason, there is definitely a good and bad reason for failure, but finding the good out of every single situation is something we must find! Not liking yourself at a very young age has been my biggest struggle! I’m not exactly sure how these feelings imprinted into my head but I have things that I can blame them on, not having my biological father in my life was a huge deal for me, it made me feel unwanted, not good enough, and worthless my whole life! I often wondered what I did wrong, why I wasn’t good enough, and how could someone not love me? It hurts… I remember fathers breakfasts at school and I never had a dad, the kids would ask why or tease me, I never had an answer. Then my step dad stepped up and took me in as his own. He didn’t have too but he did! I had a person I could call dad, but when my sister and brother would get angry with me they would make sure I knew that he wasn’t my real dad he was theirs! Yes kids are cruel but it molded a sadness in my soul that just hasn’t ever left me, it’s given me an issue with trust when it comes to the male figure. Is that fair? Absolutely not but was that fair to me? No not at all! I understand not all men are liars, cheaters, dead beats, or abusers but distilled in my early adolescence mind that’s the portrait that was painted! It was a painful scar and I won’t allow it to impact me anymore! No one will ever understand the pain that it had caused me! I often wonder if I did have my real dad in my life how would I be today? Would I be successful or a loser? I will never know so why should I give a shit anymore? This shit thought has messed me up for 42 years and I’m sick of it controlling me! The self doubt and sadness is debilitating and I’m tired of it controlling me!

This lack of confidence has steered me into a spiral of toxic relationships that only made my mirror image uglier! It’s a sad shame that I let it control me on a conscious and subconscious level for so fucking long. I hated mirrors, I hated pictures of me, I hated the way I looked! I was never skinny enough, pretty enough, I was poor, not smart enough, I allowed the anger, hurt, anxiety, and depression destroy me for so long! So here I am with these scars, battle wounds, but I can look at them right now and realize that I am the better version of myself! No one else can be me or feel what I feel and that is magical! I am a beautiful person, I am a smart person, and I’m unique! There is never another me!! I HAVE TO BE THE BEST VERSION, the best me of all times! I have to sweep these bullshit insecure feelings into the wind and let it blow away!

Yes BAD things have happened to me, yes horrible abuse had taken place in my life, friends have used me and backstabbed me, yes I was a mean and bad person too, I’m blaming no one but myself for allowing this to bug and defy me! I allowed anxiety and depression to ruin my life because I let it! I gave up time and time again! I gave up on all my dreams so whose to blame for this but me… yes as a small child I had no knowledge like I do now but as I grew and learned I realized I have control over this and I never used my control! I was lazy and wanted to blame someone else because I couldn’t look in the mirror to see what I was doing to myself! It’s so much easier to blame someone else than to see it’s you all along!

So I sit here and this ache in my stomach wants to blame everyone whose ever done me wrong and I tell myself that I’m a fucking idiot! Stop playing the game! Stop being lazy and just get the fuck up and change your life! I have the power! I’ve had it all along! I want to be rich well guess what I need to work a little bit harder because there isn’t going to be anyone else out there to do it but myself! You can not count on anyone but yourself because you will continue to fail! I didn’t finish my degree? Well guess what get off your ass and finish it! Find a way, tomorrow is never a good day to start anything!! TODAY IS!! Today is MY DAY!! Make a plan now and stick to it! I’m in debt well I’m making a plan to get out of it, get a second job, stop making excuses! I was and am the queen of excuses!! I have disappointed myself and I’m sick of it!! I’m done!! FAILURE isn’t an option anymore!! I have to be a good role model for my son! Yes it’s been a rough road but it makes sense and it’s so easy! Why didn’t I see this before!! Excuse after excuse!! Yes depression is a real thing and it sucks! It’s horrible but it’s no one else’s fault but your own, fight it and beat it, I will always battle it but I’m not allowing it to win anymore! Will I eventually be able to look into a mirror and think I’m beautiful? Yes I will!! I have so much to say!! Some will be terrible and some will be funny but I’m ready to spread my wings and spread my words! I will be heard and I will help someone!! I am me and this is me, I’m healing, and I’m better today!! When I wake up tomorrow than I will be even better then but one day at a time! No more excuses and no more saying I will start tomorrow because it never happens! I will fall but I will always get back up broken bones and all. So this is going to be my story and I hope I can help at least one person!!