Sometimes I take a long hard look at myself in the mirror and wonder why the reflection holds so much hurt! You’d look at me and never imagine that behind the smile is a lifetime of pain, suffering, and self hate! Right when you get a streak of positive things, your mindset is healthy, and the happiness is coming back; Something enters and destroys it all in a heartbeat!
They say misery loves company but I’m not sure how I feel about that nor do I technically agree with it either! When positive things are going on around me I get met with disappointment, disapproval, and disagreement! Why is that! No one can keep their word, promise, or intentions pure! I’m either stood up, blacklisted, ghosted, made to feel bad, discouraged, or made fun of! Can it be that every single person I choose in my life is bad? This can’t be it or true can it? So many questions I have, is it my over active mind, over thinking, or just insecurities messing with me? Or do I just choose shitty people?
Much of my life has been met with mental abuse, sexual abuse, and physical! My relationships whether it was friendship or lover type relationship has been very demanding and abusive! I often wonder how I made it through it, how I’m still standing on my own two feet now, but I can tell you that it breaks you down into billions or tiny pieces, even if those pieces are all gorilla glued back together one always seems to let loose and cause complete havoc on the progress made! It seems to be a pattern, I make amazing progress, become confident, make progress on learning about myself then someone comes along and destroys that! I see that it is my fault for allowing these people to hold such power over me but I haven’t learned how to not let that happen! When you wake up and feel beautiful, you start to talk to a potential someone only for them to ghost you, break plans, then leave you in the dark only gives those billions of pieces wiggle room to crumble! I am a precious package, handle me with care, but I handle everyone I the care too and sometimes put them more on a pedestal than they deserve!
I need my power back, I don’t think I’ve ever had power, maybe for a second but I had feeble hands and lost it! I need to feel that security again within myself and not let someone else destroy that! I know people can’t be happy for others who are because of jealousy or lack of motivation. Even on my darkest hour I would never make someone feel bad for not being able to make it to a birthday party knowing they worked all day, or continuing to cancel plans last minute, never apologizing for the mean things they have done, or not being honest about how they feel about you, or ghosting someone! I hate when someone makes a promise and then doesn’t go through with it, keeps you waiting or cancels last minute! Sending mixed signals! It’s all games! Oh but I don’t play games they say, yet the whole conversation and meet up was nothing but a game!!
I’m done! I’m better than this! I don’t deserve this and these people don’t deserve me! I’m no longer waiting, I’m no longer giving a second chance, nor am I going to be there for you! Now that things are turning around for me and amazing things are happening, I won’t be there when you try to come back!! I am not the same person anymore for I have risen from the ash and hold my power!!
The strange feeling of nothingness, hopelessness, a sense of being stuck in a fog, not knowing where you are going, or evening understanding what is going on around you. This mental state has got me sedated in a realm of uneasiness and uncertainty. My thoughts get fixated on the task at hand but somehow my mind runs away in the mist, allowing my physical body to continue on with the task, but me not realizing what I just did. What the actual hell is going on? Questioning my own well being, my own life, my own thoughts, just trying to clear myself of this mist that has me trapped in this cage. I am fighting for my life within my own body, trapped in this cage of flesh, trying to escape, yet my mind is stuck. My fear is that I will never feel a happy emotion again or more so on a daily basis. I am so grateful and thankful to be alive, for my son, for my fur babies, and my family but I find no passion in becoming something great. One might say that I am suffering from depression, ups, downs, frantic feelings, or feelings of euphoric emotions at times but I beg to differ. I was depressed, I did take numerous medications to try and help elevate all those compressed feelings, even counseling of different types, nothing has worked. I have fought my heart and soul out to come to a point in my life where I now feel “content” and I can forgive the “ones” that have wronged me, yet here I am in this mist of bullshit. It is forbidding me to make progress, its like I am stuck in this quick sand that is taking its sweet old time drowning me. Please someone just help me out of this pit. I see beauty daily in my life, I thank God daily for allowing me to breath another day, to see the beauty in everything with my eyes, I am just in this rut of repetition in my mind and it just won’t compromise with me. Maybe I am crazy! I have asked myself that a lot, maybe I am mad, or maybe I am mentally ill, whether I am or not, I just want to know what the heck is going on with this haze over my mind. Its like my soul is trying so hard to connect with my brain but something in my brain is blocking the connection. I am in this spiritual awakening phase so I want to blame it on all this new information that I am obtaining but is that even true? I don’t know, I just know that I do not like this feeling or being disconnected from my self and my spirit.
I tend to choose narcissistic people too, I have this bad magnet or stigma attached to me that attracts all these bad people, they have controlled and consumed me my whole life. Just when I am trying to heal myself and learn that it isn’t me, I get bombarded by more narcissist. I am an empath, I can read people, I can tell if your lying or if your not, I can tell if you are a good person or a bad person, I know by the energy frequency you give off, the way you act or react, I’m almost a human lie detector test, I also feel and think that I can fix everyone. I feel all this energy and it consumes me and takes over, its like I am carrying a vest of other peoples energy and emotions around without ever looking at mown needs first. It is a pattern with me, when I say enough is enough, then I’m the bad guy, when I can’t take it anymore then I am the bad guy, if I can’t help in any way then I am the bad guy, and if I finally stick up and say what is bothering me then I am the bad guy. Being able to feel and read this kind of energy is exhausting! I am guessing I have not given myself proper time to heal or rest myself and now this fog is taking over. I just don’t know how to fix the issue or the problem but I can tell you that I am so sick of people making me feel like I am crazy, or that I am wrong, or that I am the bad guy. The gaslighting is crazy, the more I learn about these terms I can pin point in my mind “oh this is gaslighting” and I shake my head because no matter how hard I try to defend myself, I am always wrong. I need to understand that it is not my fault it is the people that I have given myself too. Energy suckers or energy vampires I call them, I wish my radar for detecting them at first sight was activated in me but unfortunately it is not. I do know that I need to focus on myself and my mental health, I need to heal from all these bad words and actions bestowed upon me. I keep letting the wounds reopen and oozing out, I can’t allow that, I need to let them heal and look at the scar as a talisman to something I beat.
Wishing that taking my own advice was as easy as it is writing it right now. It does make me feel amazing that I am at my laptop and typing what comes to my mind, it almost feels like a light in my spirit is getting brighter. Maybe I need to just write even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else or me for that matter, when the light bulb does come back on in my mind I can reread what I’ve wrote and have that “aww ha moment”. Abuse sucks and it makes you feel like you are loosing your mind. Whether it be verbally or physically its all awful, but in my own experience and opinion verbal is the worse, I feel its harder to heal from that than the physical part of it. Devastating that so many people are so miserable they need to make other people they love sink to their misery. Misery loves company, I never really understood that statement until recently. I have noticed that people are all about themselves, if you don’t do what they want when they want it, then they abuse you, make you feel like shit, make you feel like it’s all your fault. I notice that they never take accountability for their actions because its always the other persons fault. In a relationship it takes 2, its not just a one sided situation but yet it always seems to be the other person who isn’t doing enough, hmm, it literally makes me feel like I’m making this up, or did this even happen, or am I just loosing my mind?
I find myself on a repeat loop of desperation and an unconditional hate for myself at times. I try to tell myself, maybe even try to convince myself that it isn’t me, it’s the people I choose to occupy my time but in reality it’s me! It’s the same old senerio time in and time out! Go out of your comfort zone they say, date someone you normally wouldn’t they say, yet every single guy has said the same ole fucking line, “you are way too good for me, way too beautiful, you deserve better”, bitch please….
I don’t change anything about myself, I am me, I tell it like it is, love what I love, have my strong opinions on certain things, and respect for every single person that enters my visual field. I don’t allow people into my space, I trust no one, yet when I do allow that wall to crumble just a bit, I’m proven yet again why not one person in this world will ever be good enough to be on the same side of my wall!
I’m too fucked up, my life is a mess, I’m going through a lot, I’m not ready for you, you are too good for me, you are way to beautiful, you deserve better, when do the lies and excuses end, but when what ever flavor of the month is over who do they try to come right back too, nope sorry but you get one chance! Second chances don’t exist in my world! I am so over the bullshit lies, but it’s always the same! All men are the same! Disgusting, ignorant, using, dogs that do more damage than they do good! Is it fair that I place all men in this category, yes it is because not one has shown me any difference!! I’m done with it!
Sometimes in the midnight evening I find myself in a fog that gets a bit to stuffy but I find my way back through tear filled eyes to look at myself in a mirror and realize I am awesome!! I am worth it! I don’t deserve to ever feel like I’m not good enough! I’ve realized that this isn’t me but a terrible reflection of what I once was! I portray a wholesome energy and I believe I draw in the ones that need the help the most, but I need to help myself first! At the end of the day it’s only me I have to answer oo, I don’t want to choke down tears because I can’t understand why I wasn’t good enough! I will never allow myself to be put into that situation again nor will I ever allow someone to make me feel bad for my feelings!
Chin up buttercup!! Wipe those tears, straighten that crown, and dust off those battle wounds! No one deserves me because no one can ever meet my expectations anymore! That is ok! I have my dog, I have my cat, and I have my son! I am beautiful and I am too good! So maybe I need to jump back on that high horse and ride away in the sunset! I am now a memory and I hope in your reflection you see a tiny piece of me, the piece that got away!!
The taste of blood still lingers in my mouth, metallic and salt, the sting from the smack still penetrating over my cheek bone. I sit on the cold tile floor holding my stomach in hopes that I don’t have to vomit because vomitting would require me moving past him. When you feel like you have no more tears to shed somehow a flood gate opens and the waterworks just don’t stop. My body trembles, I feel cold yet I am not, my face hurts but so does my head, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m pissed yet I sit here with his eyes and voice echoing in my ears, in my mind.
Make it stop….
Even years and years later I still feel the fear…
When I am all choked up and can’t find the right word just know behind that is a memory of something that has left a battle scar in my echoing soul that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because of you but it’s bringing out an emotion buried deep with in. I have tried to run so far past the memories of destruction but sometimes they have a way of catching up to me, when the sun goes down, and I am all alone the memories rotate on repeat. Internal bruises are the worse and stay your whole life. It’s kinda like a scar but the bruise has a way of making its way up to the surface of any situation. Disguises itself at times too, pops up out of know where, lingering frustrations of post traumatic stress. It is real and it sucks…
My son was five years old, he had these nerf guns, he would cut the tips of those nerf guns off, put nails or tacks into them, and shoot my abuser when he was screaming at me in a corner of whatever area of the house. Five years old!! Standing up to a grown man at five years old to protect his momma, what a shameful thing to have your child witness or participate in, but it happens a lot more often than people like to admit. Being told that you’re a bad parent, your child is a bad child, your dog is a piece of shit, you are lazy, stop laying on his couch because I wouldn’t sleep with him, kicked off the couch because I was leaving an indent in the couch, are you kidding me? Verbal abuse and screaming, a screaming so loud in my ear that my right ear drum burst and now have permanent damage to that ear, looking at your 119lb self in the mirror, and hating every inch of yourself because he told you that you where not good enough. Working as a bartender/waitress to support your child only to be told that your a whore and cheating on him, when he was the one out partying, doing drugs, and sleeping around on you… not coming home for days on end, but I would look at myself in that mirror and tell myself it was all my fault.
When you raise your voice just a little
it can trigger something
just please be aware of your words and how those words come across and even the tone
those bruises can be felt, maybe not seen by the visible eye, but they are there
My mother always told me growing up, be careful with your words, you can’t take them back once they are spoken. I never understood what she meant, I do now, I may not react right away, I may not speak back right away, I may need to just walk away from the situation so I don’t say the wrong words, just let me be! Don’t try to charge the energy by pushing my buttons causing a reaction because it doesn’t always end well. People need to self reflect because they may not intend on coming across as a major asshole, but its perceived that way, that perception can sometimes cause a traumatic experience within someone. This just recently happened to me, I found myself giving my all into a situation, but I was attacked at all corners of my approach at what I felt like I was doing a damn good job. I may have been doing a good job, his intentions may not have been hurtful, but my bruises within me took that as an internal attack, and I backed myself out of a corner/situation and left it! Is this healthy? Probably not but I will not stand or sit by being talked to in a manner of disapproval, it is strange because coming from a female would have been much more better because I don’t feel threatened by females, but strong men, with strong opinions, and not such good bed side manners, I get a bit intimidated by.
Men are issues in my life, my father abandoned me before I was born, domestic violence relationships, rape, and just rotten males period have given me a terrible taste in my mouth and tainted black memories.
My eyes are closed tight, not even a tear could escape, my mind is racing, I collect myself with deep breaths in and out, visualizing some place else, some place with no pain, my thoughts are a million miles a minute, I just want it to stop, please I tell myself, just stop.
My thoughts run away with me a lot of times, I am left alone with these thoughts, sometimes not a good thing but sometimes not a bad thing either, but in my minds eye I just can’t escape the pain. With my eyes clenched, my breathing slowly back to normal, I slowly open those eyes, and I look at my reflection with absolutely no recollection of whom is looking back at me. I study the image my brain is processing, I know I am there, I know that soul is a reflection of what I am to be, yet I can’t seem to fight my way through the obstacles that leave me stricken with grief.
Loneliness is real, it can make you crazy, but it can also really allow yourself to get to know the real you. Fighting internal battles can last a life time but I am making it my mission to conquer and continue on. Looking at that reflection makes me cringe, I don’t like what I see most of the time, I see the sadness, I don’t let people in because they are so good at letting you down or hurting your internal core. I’ve been blind sided by so many people that I have learned that keeping myself caged up is in my most best interests, even if its not entirely what I want.
I have learned that people want want want but don’t want to give back, they expect too much out of a situation, or aren’t willing to respect your wishes, use and abuse you, take take take until you completely have nothing left to give, not even to yourself. I am such a giver, I am so gullible, I am easy to forgive someone, I try to see the best in everyone and every given situation. My biggest downfall too… I will give and give and give until that breaking point, once I loose that trust in you, then I completely shut down, once I get to that shutting down point, any feelings I had for you no longer exist, I can make myself not even remember what it was like to even care for you, you no longer mean a thing to me, at least its what I want myself to think.
Fooling the fool with in is a great coping tactic and I don’t care who you are, we have all done this at some point in our life, if you say you haven’t then you are a liar. I am calling you out fool!! It starts with one and ends with yourself so stop letting that one cause so much grief inside you. Somedays are so much better than others, somedays I am straight forward level headed thinking straight, got my shit together, then the next I’m spiraling out of control in the fucking rabbit hole of hell fooling myself. Or I am trying to trick or fool my thought process, you get so use to living in despair that it feels so normal so your brain starts to rewire itself into the high way of hell. No way am I on that express lane of highways to hell anymore, fooling the fool has got to stop, madness only feeds the fool, not letting go of the bad is only fueling the long trips on the highway to hell. I have often said that hell is this life we live at this exact moment, we make it hell ourselves, we decide how we are going to feel about a certain action or experience causing us either excitement, anger, pain, or whatever emotion best describes you. We create our hell with the tools we have been given, reaching down into my internal self is tools to help us become better, we have the tools already, we just need to rediscover them, push past the blackout pain and look for the sparkle of hope, its there, we all have it somewhere.
Writing, blogging, what ever you call this is my escape, expressing my feelings is my relief, learning to find myself by rereading what I have written has given me so much hope that this battle is starting to be won. Sometimes being alone is a good thing, it gives me the time and freedom to reflect, the silence is a welcome in a mind that is so flash flooding all the time, it keeps the wrong people to stay away from me, it also shows who the true friends are too. Sometimes being alone can come a shock of realization of things you don’t want to know but these episodes of silence reasons of healing and just welcome it, self reflect, write, listen to music, read, just enjoy the beauty around you, sometimes you loose that all but let it come rushing back in. Respect, love, don’t get to close, heal with in, breath out expression and art, and just don’t give a flying fuck what your enemy thinks because you are already winning if they care that much to hate. Jealousy is such a bad disease to have that just runs rapid in so many peoples souls, just let it go, breathe and breath out the yuck!!!
You will win some and loose a lot, just remember when they try to reenter your life what they did when they left you the first time, people do change, I understand that, but second chances are just forbidden anymore. Be wise with words because you can heal a broken bone but you can’t heal a broken word, words hurt worse, I have always said that I would rather be beat, stabbed, shot, or hit then try to heal from words. Broken words create broken souls and broken souls can almost be lost if not realized.
Is it a stomachache or a knot, could it be butterflies, or just another trick the mind plays? Is the ego playing games with my subconscious, who really has control of all these thoughts, feelings, and chaos in my head? What am I feeling? Why do I feel? Why won’t the storm pass already and give some relief, a time for growth, understanding, and compromise? The hysteria is deafening, and I am overly tired from battling the blackness that has encompassed my very existence in this world. Is it normal to feel all these feelings or to question every single aspect of life presented to you now? I have no answers or explanations to cover these questions I ask myself daily, I only have life experiences from my point of view and that point of view has either been portrayed poorly or comprehended poorly, you decide!
I struggle daily, some days a lot more than others, I hold a hard face sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a frown. I act okay or unharmed but inside I am dead, well not completely dead, but just about. I find myself not becoming hurt as quickly as I can turn a blind eye rather quickly and throw those emotions away, I have been told I’m a black dark soul, I am not that, but I can tell you my heart is black as death, and I don’t think I will ever bleed red again. I am not okay with this analogy because my feelings do come to surface occasionally, not so much lately, but on occasion a rare nerve is pricked and I feel again, does that mean there is hope? I pray in a sense that there is hope, crawling out of this dark hole to see the sunlight or the moonlight is a rather far stretch but I still have a small inkling of belief in myself. I reminisce about walking barefoot on the green grass that is dampened with the nights dew, the full moon as bright as possible in the sky above, a gentle breeze captivates the curls in my hair, with no concern of those curls frizzing, I find myself at peace amongst the creatures of the night, with the most amazing smell of mother earth all around me. Is it the ground beneath those feet that calls me home? No for I will never be buried six feet under, rather I will be thrown into that wind under that full moon dancing in that gentle breeze free from the chaos that has been trapped in this earth body!!
The look of criticism is harsh, the words of criticism are sharper than razor blades, the wound created leaves a nasty scar, and that scar is a forever trigger of a failure you partook in. When you walk alone in this hurtful world you learn creative ways to cope with hurt, anger, and loneliness, it’s one of the worse things anyone could go through. It’s the most amazing thing how your brain tricks you to protect you yet leaves little subtle clues that can be triggered to create even more hurt in your later years of life. The walls that are built to either deal with that memory or to totally bury it; but remember nothing stays buried for ever because mother earth always rids herself of toxicity. Those buried memories become remains to be dissected at later points, deal with them now, don’t create a dungeon of hurt inside those walls of that brain, because you will become to that point where you question whether you should continue or forfeit.
I would love to expose every single piece of shit that I allowed to hurt, abuse, or use me in such ways that created confidence issue within me. I don’t want to give them the proper credit because they don’t deserve the recognition, yet I feel I need to talk about the actions that led me to feel like the ugliest piece of shit to ever be born.
I will never be good enough! I openly give myself to everyone, I trust everyone, I am an open book, I have complete and total trust in you, yet that is never given back to me, its always disrespect! Tell me that I am the most beautiful girl you’ve ever laid eyes upon, yet you have a girlfriend back home, you tell me that I am your soulmate, yet you move across the seas to marry her only to keep me at a distance in case it doesn’t work out, you abuse me verbally and physically because I was actually too strong for you to control so to keep me at bay you abuse me to the point of no return (yes I was actually in this same exact spot once before and survived it), you cheat on me with girls you know I dislike, you want to control me, keep me as a pet, someone I am not, everyone wants in my pants but never willing to actually be with me, I bare my soul and feelings to you only to find out your married, I date you yet you cheat on me yet keep playing with me, fly home and want to have sex yet your roommate girlfriend is home in your bed, I am only good enough to cuddle with, when the world is crashing around you and another girl hurts you then I’m good enough but never good enough to go on a cross country bike ride with you or to even acknowledge our pictures on Facebook, I’m the most amazing girl yet you lie to me about your drug issues and sexual addiction so you continue to be with your abusive girlfriend and cheat, oh but I’m only a sex text away right? Send me a nude picture after a year of no communication but suddenly when no one wants anything to do with you I am ok or good enough again. I am that hideous stain in the couch that is always covered up by something until nothing is available. Talk to me for 3 years trying to get me to have a drink with you, texting, then we hang out and text flirty texts and I am no longer good enough for your drug running ass. Oh, this is just the beginning of the fabulous useless men I have encountered. They all have a few things in common, addictions, compulsive lying, egomaniacs, abusive personalities and narcissists.
When you walk around with buried sadness it destroys any hope that you may have, you over analyze things that wouldn’t hurt the normal healthy person, you lift your heavy eye lids to look into a mirror of a reflection that you can’t fucking stand. The image in the mirror that glares back at you is so disgusting that there is not one good thing that you could compliment that image on. Fighting back tears of utter disgust you get on barely with your daily activities asking yourself numerous times a day, how am I going to do this? Some how you manage to slither through the day with what seems like your shit is together when in reality one minor sliver of disrespect can shatter the mirror image you carry around. Amazing how humans are such great actors, who would ever think that I carry so much pain and grief around inside me, sure this resting bitch face must give some of my secrets away, or could it be the upkeep on my hair, or the perfect eyebrows, tattooed eyeliner, tattoos, eyelashes, perfect makeup, or the clothes I select for todays mood, if only the mind did not play such tricks, the eyes they say are the doorways to the soul but they also trick us into believing such ridiculous garbage!! Oh, how those simple things that people use to rip me apart can only signal their own sadness within, jealousy, hate yet with no compassion how that must make me an already damaged soul feel. The one thing that I do to help build my confidence that has been ruined by past relationships are now being judged by complete strangers that know absolutely nothing about me. So strange the human race is, to be trained to act out of anger, jealousy, and hate to make yourself feel better for one second. Shame shame shame!! Yet all this pain leads to ones to question their very existence on this earth, why I allow others to control my sanity and happiness. I can’t blame it on years of abuse, or can I? I am the only one that can change these behavioral patterns, to rewire the thought process is yet a whole other journey.
I can’t blame everything on the male species because females are just as nasty if not harsher! I shake my head as I reread that sentence because I can honestly say females suck!! I suck! I get it! I am also to blame for all my sorrows too, I admit to being the second half of the problem, I never allowed myself to heal yet I was never given the tools to do so. I have been used by females too, when they needed an excuse to meet their married boyfriends, I was the scape goat, when they needed rides to other cities to see their married boyfriends guess who drove them, guess who kept their secrets? When these boyfriends no longer wanted their companion guess who was no longer good enough? (Raising my hand) yes, I was tossed to the curb as if my investment in that so called friendship wasn’t respected. When their life is so shitty and they get fired from every single job guess whose fault that is, mine, when my money runs out and I need the help, guess who is no longer needed? When I don’t fit in because I am not a drinker or a drug user, I’m no longer invited or needed because I don’t fit in now, guess who suddenly becomes good enough because I know people in the band so they reach out to see if I can hook them up, fucking please bitches!
These issues may seem trivial to you or ridiculous, but to me they are not. I am not writing to gain sympathy yet to gain reality in my own mind, maybe seeing the pain written down can free the storm clouds before its too late. I don’t want to wake up and question why I do this every day. I don’t want to feel sad or darkness, I have feelings too, I am not a bad person, I am hurting, and I am admitting that I need to deal with this trauma before it becomes trauma for someone else. I hope that I can write and express in a way that it will click like an Edison light bulb and that light will be so bright that it sheds tears of joy. I should not have to question whether I am good enough or not, I should not fear that what comes out of your mouth will hurt me, I should not fear that today will be my last day. I love with all my heart and soul, I have so many battle wounds that yes you need to be gentle, don’t treat me like I am an idiot or there is something wrong with me, I have a voice, opinions, feelings, fears, that deserve to be heard and respected. When I feel like a caged animal I shut down, I turn you off, you are done, I know this is wrong so much, my battle wounds have been reopened and closed so many times, I just want to be respected, loved, and heard!! I deserve that!!! Everyone deserves that. If I raise my voice just listen, it just means that I feel like you aren’t listening or respecting my opinion, I have been told to shut up or stop talking since I was three years old, its now your time to shut the fuck up and listen! If I cry when I am talking to you, it means I’m being honest, passionate, it has value and meaning in what I am trying to convey! Everyone who speaks or has words has value and meaning, you may not agree but shut the fuck up, respect it and just listen. Sometimes just shutting up and listening can save someone’s life! Please before you say goodbye just listen…. Speaking is freeing and valuable in more ways than you will ever be able to understand.
You left him, you doubted him, you degraded him, yet to me he was beyond perfection!
You kicked him to the dirt, abandoned him, blamed me for your decisions, and left me with all the responsibilities of raising a young child on my own, THANK YOU, best gift I ever received! You burnt us down and left us in the wind only to be scoped up and put back together.
You didn’t want him from the day I told you I was pregnant, made me feel bad for choosing to keep him, never went to an appointment because “being a so called Rockstar wanna be was more important” but here I am, with a living legend!
My sons memories of you are not great, broken promises, a 3 year old standing in a picture window waiting for his daddy to show up, but never does, because what ever flavor of the week was more important! Telling him that he is a disgrace to you because he couldn’t do 5 push ups in a row, chasing him around my car to spank his ass because he told you like it was at 5 years old, that little 5 year old looking up me saying “Mommy please don’t ever make me see this man ever again, I don’t like him” that same little boy remembering being thrown on your bed at 4 and locking him in your dark room because he was crying to come home, leaving him in there to cry himself asleep, that same little 4 year old that lost his pacifier under the couch, crying and you screaming at him. When he was 2 months old and crying in his car seat because you wanted to eat, grabbing him and putting him in that dark room with the door shut, as he screamed his head off, not letting me go to my son, when I went and grabbed him and got ready to leave you told me I was creating a bastard. Money was more important in your simple boring world, the dollar sign drove the madness within you not allowing you to see that you have a son in front of you that at one time looked up to you. Its never your fault, no, its always someone else’s fault, doesn’t matter because to place the blame only masks the guilt and negativity in your sad pathetic world.
You burnt us down to ashes, but remember legends rise…..
That bastard that you so called said wasn’t good enough is more of a man than you would ever be!
Let me tell you about my son, my sons name is Nicholas, I knew the minute I conceived, I knew it, I felt it, something was different, I knew my life was about to change, I was so scared, yet so excited, I had no idea how the hell I was going to do this but I was determined. Things happen for a reason, I was meant to be married in a very bad relationship, that marriage had me move to Florida where I met my sons father, I was suppose to do everything that had happened up to that point because never once did I get pregnant with my ex husband but right away with my sons father, everything is meant to be. I knew the first time I seen this little ball of energy on my first ultrasound picture, he literally looked like an alien with his legs just a kicking, he was a mini on a mission! As he grew, my love and bond with him intensified, I couldn’t stop imagining how beautiful he was, what those little feet would like like, I couldn’t wait to kiss him. Well he decided to join this world early at 6 weeks before his due date, he wanted out NOW, and as I would grow to learn what Nicholas wants Nicholas will have! So he spent a month in the NICU and finally came home, he has never left my side.
Perfection is sought, dreamt about, longed for, in my eyes I have it, I created it, I gave birth to a son that has more brains, wits, dedication, smarts, talent, and knowledge than anyone I have ever met. I am not sure how I got so lucky, he chose me to be his mother, a love that only grows as the hours pass, I can remember as if it where yesterday holding him on my chest as he slept, that is where he would stay for years to come, now as a young man we are still very close, we can tell each other anything, I look at him in complete awe and admiration because he is more than I could have ever imagined becoming. My struggles as a single mother where real but worth every single second. My struggles and pain paved a road of enlightenment for my son, a vision of what he didn’t want or to become, ways he would change his future for the better, learning from my heartache to become the legend he already is. Legends rise and they fall, we all have the ability to become one, its what we do with the knowledge of life we lived or will live to create this status. I have watched my son suffer, hurt, cry, be angry, laugh, be distant, learn, grow, love, and I wouldn’t change anything! I gave up a lot of my wants and dreams so I could raise my son, I don’t regret a single second, I would do it over and over because to see him take his first steps, speak his first word, play his first sport, dress up as Rambo, and now going off to the Navy, these breathtaking moments are what I have lived for. I am awe struck at how powerful his motives are to become an amazing man in a society that doesn’t seem so beautiful, but he has a voice and a big one, I believe he is going to be a voice of his generation, a name that will be known, his compassion is going to help so many people, as I sit on the sidelines applauding my son, I will always remember that little boy that loved his momma, chicken nuggets, his nookie, and stitch so much.
So with so much hate, hurt, and anger that has succumbed us in his small amount of life thus far, he is far from a hateful, hurtful, angry kid, he’s outspoken, disciplined, dedicated, passionate, loveable, beautiful, funny, quick witted, driven, and so full of life that world is in for a wild ride with this one. He will change the world one person at a time with his very essence and presence I just can’t wait to ride passenger for one his circle of life. I couldn’t be more proud of the young man that I call my son Nicholas. I have never and will never love a human as much as I love him, I would sacrifice my life over and over for him because he deserves nothing less, being a mother has been the best gift that I have ever been given. I would not do anything different, I can not wait for the world to witness his strengths and learn from his weaknesses, for he will we talked about, he will be written about, he is a legend rising. He is my hero!
Mirror Image 