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Mind Fuck

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

I believe that I am a magnet for unhealthy, narcissist’s, users, liars, game players, damaged, deranged, don’t know what they want men. I try to sit back and reflect on all the losers I have dated, they are all the same, I seem to attract the broken, damaged, using pieces of shit! Is it fair for me to degrade these individuals? No it isn’t but I have the right to feel the way I do, am I completely perfect? Absolutely fucking not BUT when I don’t lie, use, cheat, or play mind games with them then I have every right to call them losers! I am to a point at fault because I keep attracting these kind of messes into my life, I don’t know if its because I feel like I can help them, feel bad for them, or if I am just as much as loser as they are, maybe all of the above for that matter!

I was a damaged person, it stems from a childhood of abuse, abuse of physical, mental, and sexually, I am a firm believer that words hurt worse than broken bones, you can heal from broken bones, but words not so much. Words create a havoc in your memory that can destroy the best of visions. Sometimes we suppress those memories and when we hear those words it brings back a response to that trauma that sometimes we don’t realize affects us at that exact moment. That suppressed memory kind of creates a storm that just sits and brews over time and then it just becomes a blanket of sadness, hurt, a madness that can defy the situation. In my life I had become the master of suppression, it took me a great deal of lifetime experiences to finally confront in my mind what had become my worse enemy and those where my thoughts. Suppression is a great form of cooping, dealing, and building a wall around you sometimes not intentionally, its a coping mechanism, its fight or flight at these moments. It took a lot of trauma and abuse to finally indulge into my mind and become ok with me as a person. To understand my mind and why I did what I did was so I could survive and I am at that point now where I am so proud of myself, I’m an amazing person, and I don’t deserve these toxic people in my life.

A little history, I was married to a very abusive person, I would have never known this because in my mind it was acceptable, but I was in college studying Psychology and I had to intern at a rape crisis and domestic violence place. We had to go through a pretty extensive training and while in this training I just broke down right in the middle of it. Everything the teachers where describing was me!! How was I suppose to help others when I couldn’t even help myself? At that moment not only did I help myself but I set myself up to help so many other women in my same exact spot. I was shocked, helpless, and scared! This history and story is for another time but the damaged he caused was terrible and I can finally say I have been free of that trauma for a long time, but it takes a long time to be okay again.

Then I meet my sons father, 13 years older than me, and right out of the bad marriage, he treated me great, I was not use to someone being so good to me, it was so strange, it literally put me in a tail wind down ward spiral because in my damaged mind I could not accept the fact that someone was good to me, he did not hit me, downgrade me, or tell me on the daily what a useless piece of shit I was, he told me how beautiful I was all the time. Functioning after being in an 8 year abusive relationship, 110% relying on someone for all your needs, to being on your own, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing! I in my mind I sabotaged that relationship because I couldn’t figure out why it was so strange to me, he gave my son and my son saved my life! Now his relationship with his son is another complete story for a completely different time too.

Fast forward a few years and my next real relationship is another major doosey, very verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug user. Another five years of listening to what an ugly person I was, lazy, useless, bad mother, etc.. He would come home and SCREAM insult after insult to me and my son, I remember crouching in the kitchen against the lazy Susan on the floor as he screamed at me along with kicking me in the rips with his steal toed boots. My then 7 year old son cutting nerf bullets and sticking nails in the tips to shoot him when he would scream or kick me. I am unsure why I allowed myself to be traumatized for so long, why did I allow him to tell me I was no good, scream and disrespect me in front of my son? I had no self esteem, I had no self love, hell I had no self respect, I felt like I deserved this, at times I almost felt like I was cursed. I finally found the strength to leave him, with the help of my best friend who helped me leave my abusive husband, I have realized I am very good at making decisions based on emotions, I can’t do that! Making decisions based on emotions is probably one of the worse things a person could do, I remember as child my mother always telling me that I had better think before I speak, fuck I have realized I had better think before I react, maybe both…

So with in the last ten years the men that I have invited into my life have been nothing but mind fucks, I have started to question whether decent men exist and then I look at my son, thank God! I just pray being raised by a single female with no male influence except for grandparents have help mold him into this amazing young man, he has seen me suffer, I don’t think he will mind fuck anyone.

So back to the chaos, I dated someone way out of my league, in high school he was the popular hot guy, never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be interested in me, so hell why no lets give this a shot. He lived a few states away so I would fly to see him or he would fly to see me, what a complete narcasist, unbelieveable!

Who am I?

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

Who are you? That is a very hard question, if you asked me this yesterday and compared to what I might say today it could totally be a randomly different answer, I have changed so much since I was able to make decisions on my own, now sometimes people may think well that was from the very beginning, some may say when you turned 18, well mine wasn’t until I was 26 years old, even then I couldn’t make a logical decision.

So who am I, I am a mother first a foremost with a heart larger than life, my son is my life, my pride and joy, the greatest love of my life, and the best thing that I could have possibly ever done in many life times. I fucked up a lot in life, didn’t accomplish a lot, didn’t do a lot of things that I wanted too, but he makes up for all that because I got to spend every single second with him, watching, learning, and growing.

I am a free spirit, I find the beauty in the smallest thing, I see the glimmer in the dullest object, I see hope in the worse case scenario, I find passion in everything that I go about and do, I see energy in everything good and bad. I learn something new every single day and try to not take a second for granted. I no longer blame my past pain on everyone else but myself and except the fact that it was a learning curve. I am learning to not hold a grudge, don’t over react, walk away, keep your mouth shut, don’t argue, and talk about what ever is bother you. Simple! Simple is amazing! Love is even better!

I am a lover of the sun and the moon, the energy of mother earth and all her beauty guide me in my seeking of knowledge and healing. My soul is in major need of healing and I am all about cutting cords, letting the negative go, and accepting forgiveness.

UnLOVEable

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

Life brings an unreasonable amount of pain, some is expected, some isn’t, some is self created, and then there is the unexpected. How we choose to react to the pain is based on past experiences in my opinion. We create a visualization in our mind based on reactions and end results. Past trauma scars us for a life time either for the better or the worse. In my world these scars created a bad affect on my thought process. My opinion on my self and very existence was very negative due to very low self esteem.

Who Am I? Living with Depression….

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

*******I do not own the rights to this image, but I thought it was exactly how I was feeling and beautiful, here is the direct link that you can follow to buy this gorgeous piece: https://www.deviantart.com/kater31/art/Depression-306891283   ******

When the days seem so dreary along with the feelings of loneliness creeping in, the haze filled mind seems so unsettled and vacant. One single thought radiates throughout the dark moments, one that makes no sense, yet seems so fitting, why am I still even here? A purpose of uselessness and disgust fills the heart and gut only creating the most unsettling feelings. Where did I go wrong or why do I deserve to feel so poorly? I just don’t understand… the dark only gets darker and the hope only gets further and further away! I see myself in a tornado of grey thoughts that consume the worse part of me, the penetrating hatred for myself never seems to end. I wasn’t always like this, at least I don’t think I was, I don’t understand why I deserve to be treated so poorly or why I of all people must feel so poorly for myself… how do you put into words the madness that swirls in the mind that only I can hear and see? It’s like a blizzard at times with no ending in sight but once in a while I do see the sun pop through leaving me some hope that the cloud over me will eventually go away!! I’m not sure if that glimmer of hope is only a teaser so I continue to suffer longer by holding onto hope or if it’s really a chance of making it out of this sadness alive!

I believe I allow others words to affect me more than I should and even their actions! I guess I’m different! I do what I say and I mean what I say! I don’t make promises and not follow through but when I get in this trap and consumed in my head I have to place to run to so the tears flow un-freely! I mask my sadness with a face of a fake smile, but deep inside I’m broken into a billion pieces that can’t seem to fit back together! I’ve hurt those near and dear to me with my own misery and it’s not that I want too, it’s the darkness! Where does it come from and when will it leave? I use to be so happy until my self esteem was stolen from me and little by little that wound grew larger and larger because I never allowed myself to heal! Is it too late? Am I still able to heal? I’d take the scar over this pain any day!

Words From the Broken Mouth

~ Sparrow ~ 1 Comment

I try…

I try so hard… yet all they see is my failures!

It’s never good enough.. or I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, or I’m sorry I did say that…

You need to be careful with your words! Once it’s spoken out in the universe it can’t be taken back! My mom use to tell me growing up “you better think before you speak” and I never understood that, guess what? I do now more than ever! Maybe that’s my karma, maybe I deserve to be scarred with words out of the mouths of others! I always thought my own words where the most toxic to oneself but it isn’t at all, it’s the words that are spoken at you, to you, and about you. It’s hard not to take it personal because verbal abuse is definitely one of the hardest things to heal from. I’d take broken bones over broken words any day.

When you are screamed at for never doing anything right, or not being good enough, or you didn’t do this on time, or didn’t buy the right thing, it’s devastating to your energy. When it’s someone you love doing the screaming and yelling it makes you mentally ill and it’s so hard to come back up from the rude hurtful words. How do you heal? How does someone who loves you use what hurts you so much against you?? I try to understand but it’s so much easier not to understand but yet I destroy myself trying to get it. People are cruel!

When you have a so called best friend use every insecurity agains you to rip you apart, make fun of you, belittle you, and call you a liar it’s very damaging! They say these people do this because they are jealous but I think it’s more that they hate themselves they need the power to feel somewhat better!

I don’t know if I’m quite I guess you know why, I’m scared to let anyone in because they will use it against me to hurt me or they will yell at me and tell me I’m not good enough!! I’m a broken mirror and I’m shattered, my pieces are all over, a little piece of me is spread out amongst this world, I just hope someday my pieces help someone else…

Highly Suspect

~ Sparrow ~ 1 Comment

The fever is real… Buy that concert ticket! See that band for the first time live… see that band again and again… stay alive!!!

Highly Suspect was on my reel this month,

I’ve been a legit fan for 2 years, went to the tattoo shop to start my arm sleeve at New Age Tattoo, Corey my tattoo artist has this huge television screen with a PlayStation attached to it. Little did I know that I was going to be introduced to a band that would deeply touch my soul but I’d also get that sleeve tattoo finally! As my relationship grew with my new friend so did my relationship with music! Highly Suspect played repeatedly on that television screen and my love affair only would grow…. painful times while that tattoo gun stuck ink permanently into my skin all the while the music by Johnny and his best friends became a permanent imprint in my heart/soul! Besides the buzz of that gun, the sound of Highly Suspect was in my daily routine and etched into my memory from that point on.

I bought tickets for a show last year…. couldn’t go… I thought my dream of seeing my new band live was crushed. I was devastated! So I started to follow them on Instagram and Twitter where from afar they let us become one on one in the lives of rock gods. Johnny ended up breaking his foot and the tour had to be put on hold while he recovered! I thought “oh my lord I will never see them” but I kept my iTunes blasting Highly Suspect and my hopes of a new tour in my dreams!! Guess what dreams do come true!!!

November 5, 2019 in Milwaukee at the Pabst Theatre my life changed….

I’m 42 years old, I’ve been to ALOT of concerts, I’ve seen a lot of bands I wouldn’t see again, I’ve seen some amazing bands, but Highly Suspect is different! I had NO expectations, just a dream to see this Instagram person in the flesh singing music that has struck cords in my own blood flow. I was on a mission to be in that front row!

Before the concert we pregamed and had drinks at this really cool bar across from the Pabst Theatre called Newsroom Pub, while drinking my margarita on the rocks, four guys come from across the street and sat next to us. I knew they where with the band but I wasn’t going to invade their space, but it was Matt the guitar player and Mark the keyboard player with two roadies! Phenomenal men!! Great conversation, great stories, and I bought them each a shot of Jameson with a pickle back!! They where so nice and it was so refreshing to see rockstars that aren’t assholes, that give a shit, and love to mingle with the rest of us fans. We get in line for our seat and I’m in a panic at the people ahead of us, I though I’m never going to get up there, but WE DID!! Front row right in front of Rich and Johnny!! I didn’t expect to be able to reach up and stroke Johnny’s leg if I really wanted too (trust me I wanted too but I’m not that disrespectful)….

I was shaking, I felt like a toddler meeting Iron Man when they walked out on stage! I had to check myself because I couldn’t believe I was touched down in Milwaukee looking up to these gorgeous guys!! Johnny is so much more beautiful in person, don’t get me wrong he’s HOT, social media and pics don’t do him justice! When he’s in his element all natural and ready to rock this guy glows larger than life! His words of hurt, love, anger, and life are so romanticized on stage, you live the struggle with them, you feel every single word, then Rich sings and OMG, the heartfelt desires and anguish makes everything in that room soar with the energy emitted from the crowd! Ryan the drummer, Mark the keyboard player, Ryan the drummer, and Johnny the guitar player/lead singer have this bond, this friendship, this energy that makes your blood boil in envy and desire! I’ve seen nothing like it… his voice is just like the music that came out of the studio, so raw, so real, he’s mesmerizing beyond anything I’ve experienced! I just have no correct words to simply the magnitude of respect I have for this band! Way beyond my expectations and my utmost respect! They deserve to be heard and they deserve to be noticed!!!

So Johnny was right in front of me a lot, at one point he even got down eye to eye with me and sang, yes I have this all on video, I was frozen being eye to eye with this stunning individual, he intimidates me in a good way! You can see when he sings the passion, it’s in his movement, in the way he plays that guitar, how he looks out to his fans, the hurt, love, pain, and respect makes me bleed so much more for them! His words are his words but they reach out to us fans in our own ways too, it helps us in days we can’t cope, days we want to give up, or just a friend that we need at that moment in time, exactly why music is so important! When you feel like you have no one and your alone, you never are, just go play your favorite music and your friends are right there! That crowd felt a connection with Highly Suspect and we now have bonds with each one of them! They put on a great show, full of life, energy, and passion! Nothing like I have ever seen!! Even the crew came on stage and shredded shit up, mad fucking props to this hard working bunch of dudes that rock the shit out of the place!! I mean WOW!!

After the show Matt and Mark would wonder around outside and stopped to talk to us numerous times along with the road crew that was in the bar! I mean I have so much respect for them!! They are so nice and CARE ABOUT THE FANS!!! We waited in the 22 degree cold for Johnny to come out for over an hour, toes numb and about to fall off I almost gave up, but there he was! He could have easily said hey guys and walked to his bus BUT HE DIDNT!! He stood outside for 15 minutes with the 7 of us that waited around and talked to us! It was finally my turn, I got two hugs and a picture! He’s SO NICE!! I mean I’m not sure what I was expecting but he was everything and more! I never got to meet Ryan and Rich but I met their dogs ❤️❤️ Kydids, omg she’s beyond gorgeous, I walked up to the merch booth and blown away by her beauty, I told her that her pictures didn’t do her justice she’s beyond beautiful, she was like oh thank you what’s your name and shook my hand! Seriously you guys this crew is MCID beyond words!! I love the bond and friendship they have it’s one of a kind and it’s glorious! Matt and Mark you guys rock and I can not wait to see you guys again!!! Soon!! You will never truly understand the mad respect I have for each one of you and the fucking rocking show you put on, it’s what a rock show should be!!! HIGHLY SUSPECT MCID

CHECK OUT THE NEW ALBUS ITS BEYOND PHENOMENAL 🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻 see you again at the rock show guys!!

Failure

~ Sparrow ~ 2 Comments

“a lack or deficiency of a desirable quality.”

Failure, what does that word mean to you? How does it make you feel? How do you stop negotiating with this word? Things that go through my mind, why didn’t I finish that, why didn’t I do that, how come I didn’t realize that was wrong, or where did I screw up? If “only” or what “if” or “why” me… playing the victim or making excuses has been my escape to reasons things didn’t work out in my favor! If I wouldn’t have given up, or listened to the nay sayers, or just stuck true to myself would I still feel this way? Of course I would, why? Because we are all our own worse critics! So how do we change this? Stop comparing your life with someone else’s, give yourself a damn break, and forgive yourself along with loving yourself! Now I need to preach what I sow because I’m so guilting of doing none of these!!

Growing up with extreme low self esteem has molded my self doubt and my failure attitude towards things! I do believe that everything happens for a reason, there is definitely a good and bad reason for failure, but finding the good out of every single situation is something we must find! Not liking yourself at a very young age has been my biggest struggle! I’m not exactly sure how these feelings imprinted into my head but I have things that I can blame them on, not having my biological father in my life was a huge deal for me, it made me feel unwanted, not good enough, and worthless my whole life! I often wondered what I did wrong, why I wasn’t good enough, and how could someone not love me? It hurts… I remember fathers breakfasts at school and I never had a dad, the kids would ask why or tease me, I never had an answer. Then my step dad stepped up and took me in as his own. He didn’t have too but he did! I had a person I could call dad, but when my sister and brother would get angry with me they would make sure I knew that he wasn’t my real dad he was theirs! Yes kids are cruel but it molded a sadness in my soul that just hasn’t ever left me, it’s given me an issue with trust when it comes to the male figure. Is that fair? Absolutely not but was that fair to me? No not at all! I understand not all men are liars, cheaters, dead beats, or abusers but distilled in my early adolescence mind that’s the portrait that was painted! It was a painful scar and I won’t allow it to impact me anymore! No one will ever understand the pain that it had caused me! I often wonder if I did have my real dad in my life how would I be today? Would I be successful or a loser? I will never know so why should I give a shit anymore? This shit thought has messed me up for 42 years and I’m sick of it controlling me! The self doubt and sadness is debilitating and I’m tired of it controlling me!

This lack of confidence has steered me into a spiral of toxic relationships that only made my mirror image uglier! It’s a sad shame that I let it control me on a conscious and subconscious level for so fucking long. I hated mirrors, I hated pictures of me, I hated the way I looked! I was never skinny enough, pretty enough, I was poor, not smart enough, I allowed the anger, hurt, anxiety, and depression destroy me for so long! So here I am with these scars, battle wounds, but I can look at them right now and realize that I am the better version of myself! No one else can be me or feel what I feel and that is magical! I am a beautiful person, I am a smart person, and I’m unique! There is never another me!! I HAVE TO BE THE BEST VERSION, the best me of all times! I have to sweep these bullshit insecure feelings into the wind and let it blow away!

Yes BAD things have happened to me, yes horrible abuse had taken place in my life, friends have used me and backstabbed me, yes I was a mean and bad person too, I’m blaming no one but myself for allowing this to bug and defy me! I allowed anxiety and depression to ruin my life because I let it! I gave up time and time again! I gave up on all my dreams so whose to blame for this but me… yes as a small child I had no knowledge like I do now but as I grew and learned I realized I have control over this and I never used my control! I was lazy and wanted to blame someone else because I couldn’t look in the mirror to see what I was doing to myself! It’s so much easier to blame someone else than to see it’s you all along!

So I sit here and this ache in my stomach wants to blame everyone whose ever done me wrong and I tell myself that I’m a fucking idiot! Stop playing the game! Stop being lazy and just get the fuck up and change your life! I have the power! I’ve had it all along! I want to be rich well guess what I need to work a little bit harder because there isn’t going to be anyone else out there to do it but myself! You can not count on anyone but yourself because you will continue to fail! I didn’t finish my degree? Well guess what get off your ass and finish it! Find a way, tomorrow is never a good day to start anything!! TODAY IS!! Today is MY DAY!! Make a plan now and stick to it! I’m in debt well I’m making a plan to get out of it, get a second job, stop making excuses! I was and am the queen of excuses!! I have disappointed myself and I’m sick of it!! I’m done!! FAILURE isn’t an option anymore!! I have to be a good role model for my son! Yes it’s been a rough road but it makes sense and it’s so easy! Why didn’t I see this before!! Excuse after excuse!! Yes depression is a real thing and it sucks! It’s horrible but it’s no one else’s fault but your own, fight it and beat it, I will always battle it but I’m not allowing it to win anymore! Will I eventually be able to look into a mirror and think I’m beautiful? Yes I will!! I have so much to say!! Some will be terrible and some will be funny but I’m ready to spread my wings and spread my words! I will be heard and I will help someone!! I am me and this is me, I’m healing, and I’m better today!! When I wake up tomorrow than I will be even better then but one day at a time! No more excuses and no more saying I will start tomorrow because it never happens! I will fall but I will always get back up broken bones and all. So this is going to be my story and I hope I can help at least one person!!

Life as a Yooper

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

UP Outline

Small town life…

Growing up I hated this place, I didn’t realize or was smart of to know any better to acknowledge what I had around me. I’m not a hunter, I don’t fish, and I hate the snow so what else was there to do in God’s country. Small mindedness as a child kept me eager to leave the second I was able to! When I moved to Florida and lived there for 18 years of my adult life and having a child of my own was when reality of what I had sunk in! Unfortunately that is what happens to a lot of people, you don’t stop to smell the roses before it’s too late, take what you have for granted, and then before you know it, it’s to late! That is where I went differently with my son, I want him to understand the value of the moment! He may hate living in this small town (yes I moved back) but when he’s older he will completely understand why I did what I did!

I live in Munising, Michigan a small little town tucked in Lake Superior and surround by the utmost gorgeous seasons and scenery. We may only have 2500 people or less here but let me tell you, when a family is in need our little community comes together like nothing I’ve ever seen! I’m proud to say this is where I am from, this is where I live, I don’t necessarily belong here but I can say that I do want to be here!!

A Bartender’s guide to Insanity…

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

So you want to annoy your  bartender? A lesson to learn in life early is to never piss the bartender off… so LEARN this now and remember this…

Don’t come into the bar and not know what you want…. Really? “Well I don’t know if I want beer, or wine, or liquor, or maybe just a Pepsi”? Seriously!! Then they proceed to ask what you have, well it’s obviously all sitting right in front of you and I’m sorry I will not go over all 60+ vodka’s we have among every other liquor we carry.  Or another dumb question as they are standing in front of our tap beer, “What do you have on tap” with a group of 6 or so standing there I always get one or more idiots that don’t listen to my spiel of all beers on tap so I repeat myself at least 3 times and they end up getting a mixed drink…. Fucking really?! No worries people I’m not busy at all so please take your time so my other customers who know what they want can wait a bit longer. OR ASK me to make some weird ass shot that I haven’t heard of, so I ask my customer what is in it, and they say “I don’t know” well guess what, neither do I, so you’re getting a baller bomb.

Please listen to the bartender. When you order a whisky (vodka, tequila, rum, etc..) and coke and the bartender asks you what kind of whisky you want to listen to them when you ask what kind of whisky we carry. If you listen to us ramble all the whiskies we carry and you proceed to order one we didn’t list, that we obviously don’t have, then have us once again repeat our inventory, not a wise move. Listen! We have a very demanding, high energy, fast paced job, we don’t have a lot of time for chit-chat… We want to serve you along with everyone else quickly and correctly.  Another dumb move, “I’d like a bud light” and we ask, “bottle or can” and you proceed to say, “doesn’t matter” so we grab you a bottle, and you bitch because you wanted a can!! Just say you want a can of bud light. I mean is that really that hard to say? Or do you like to play games with the bartender? Makes no sense does it, don’t complicate things!! Seriously it makes life a lot easier for all.

Do not snap your fingers, wave at me, or shout my name… I know you exist just give me a minute. You are not my first customer so patients please. Do not slam your beer bottle, mug, or glass on my bar because I can almost guarantee you that I won’t serve you for a long time, so long you will probably end up leaving. Know the routine or rules of my bar, we all have them, kindly set the empty in my sight and I promise you I will refill you very quickly, I don’t want your quirky annoying noises. I am not your friend, I am your bartender, and I’m going to treat you like every other customer in here unless you do any of these things I have written about.  Also do not shout your orders at me when I’m in the middle of taking an order or making an order. Yes I’m good at multitasking but wait your turn just like every other person in here, just because you know my name does not make us friends.

Do not bitch and complain your drink isn’t strong enough. Seriously!! Either your already drunk and can’t taste the liquor in the drink or your just a raging alcoholic and nothing tastes strong enough. A normal shot is an ounce, our pores on our bottles are 1.5 ounces, so when I pour I’m pouring 1.5 and an extra so a total of 2 ounces, So when I’m tending your almost getting a double, so please don’t tell me your drink isn’t strong enough because I’m gonna smash you in the face! You are getting a very generous drink when I’m bar tending and if you don’t tip me well then you will get exactly a one ounce shot in every drink from now on. I will also take out a shot glass with the line on it and literally pour a shot into to it every time to make your drink, so don’t bitch!! Bitching gets you no where and I do not care how busy I am at this point, I will make it a point to fuck with you right back.

Please be clean! Don’t shred the bar napkins and keep taking more, don’t break the plastic swords we use for garnishes, don’t break, bend, or chew on numerous straws, and don’t break the toothpicks. Would you do this at home? Would you leave this mess on your kitchen counter or kitchen tables? Then don’t do it here! This is a public place not your dumping ground. Have respect for other people who are here to get out and have a nice day or evening out! You aren’t toddlers, we aren’t here to clean up your mess, please be respectful of yourself, others around your, and of us. This is how we support our families, cleaning up after you takes away more of what we could be doing for others. It’s just common sense and not a lot of people use that or even have it. If you do decide to help and clean up the mess you just created, please don’t place the torn up, used, gross napkins in the drinking glasses, this only makes it worse for us to clean them out. Please just find the nearest garbage, I’m sure they are all in plain sight, just use your eyes and if you can’t locate one, I am sure the bartender will point you in the right direction. Don’t reach over the bar and grab our limes, lemons, or pickles. Don’t reach over our bar to grab a clean glass because like a careless dumb ass you just spilled your drink.

When the bar is jammed and extremely busy, don’t order something complicated, seriously, if it has to be complicated like a superman shot order at least 4 or more, to make it worth the bartenders time, making one of these is such a pain in the ass and a waste of time. When its busy and you order a bloody Mary be prepared to be told no, if you want a good one made from scratch it takes some time, or be prepared to wait a few minutes. If you’re ordering for multiple people please know the orders or what everyone asks. It makes life so much easier for all of us. Service is so much quicker when you do and a lot less frustrating.

A Bartenders Life

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

IMG_3288(1)Keeper of the Rum

 

Not only are you keeper of the rum, a mixologist, multitasker, mediator, friend, enemy, asshole, but your a psychologist too. Definitely a very under paid psychologist. You learn to cope with the never ending chatter, the discombobulated words, politic rants, arguments, and laughs but you become family with your locals, the regulars… a job that can become extremely tiring, fun, energetic, some days can take the energy right from you, but it’s also a sadness because your delivering a poison to these people that you have become to love that is killing them slowly! This is what I suffered with all the time as a bartender! I was helping kill my people, time in and time out I’d watch them come in functioning to making a complete ass out of themselves! It broke my heart daily! I never understood it, yes I understand the meaning of addiction, I understand how how hard it is, but it doesn’t mean I have to be ok with it because to me it’s all about making a choice! Yeah yeah yeah I’m gonna get a lot of shit for that remark so maybe I don’t understand addiction because I don’t have one! I’ve had a lot of friends with some sort of addiction but I can’t understand something I haven’t had myself! So saying this it makes me sad that I would help contribute to this addiction that is eventually going to kill this amazing human! I know I’m only doing the job I was paid to do but it was still a battle with me every single day that I was helping destroy these people that I like! This kind of energy started to drain me and make me dislike what I was doing! I would see the change in people as they drank, hell I’ve been a drunk moron too, but it hurt my soul! So being drunken fools they would then begin to pick on me and rip me apart! Misery loves company so the misery they felt they would now have to portray me into the painting of destruction!

You never knew what you where walking into, what battle are we fighting today, are they going to be nice to me today, or are they going to rip me to shreds, am I going to be busy, will there be fights, oh the chaos of being a bartender but 90% of the time it was a great time! I loved my people! These people who have become an extreme part of my life! A huge influence and even my best cheerleaders in my life! They would drop anything to help me as I would for them! Yes it comes with a lot of drama, I bitched about my job a lot, my job made me laugh and made me cry! I am no longer a bartender and my life hasn’t been the same! Unfortunately the place I spent 5.5 years too was sold and the place is now closed! I would do anything in this world to take back all my anger, or bitching, or laughs to have my job back! Sure we had some drama but we had the most amazing group of people working together to make sure our customers where taken care of! We had finally found mural respect for one another as employees as this bar, and now it’s all gone! It really makes me sad!! I hadn’t spent a thanksgiving with my family for 5 years because me and others would cook food for free so people had a place to go! It was a family affair and it was amazing! A lot of great memories and life time friendships made there!!