So you want to annoy your  bartender? A lesson to learn in life early is to never piss the bartender off… so LEARN this now and remember this…

Don’t come into the bar and not know what you want…. Really? “Well I don’t know if I want beer, or wine, or liquor, or maybe just a Pepsi”? Seriously!! Then they proceed to ask what you have, well it’s obviously all sitting right in front of you and I’m sorry I will not go over all 60+ vodka’s we have among every other liquor we carry.  Or another dumb question as they are standing in front of our tap beer, “What do you have on tap” with a group of 6 or so standing there I always get one or more idiots that don’t listen to my spiel of all beers on tap so I repeat myself at least 3 times and they end up getting a mixed drink…. Fucking really?! No worries people I’m not busy at all so please take your time so my other customers who know what they want can wait a bit longer. OR ASK me to make some weird ass shot that I haven’t heard of, so I ask my customer what is in it, and they say “I don’t know” well guess what, neither do I, so you’re getting a baller bomb.

Please listen to the bartender. When you order a whisky (vodka, tequila, rum, etc..) and coke and the bartender asks you what kind of whisky you want to listen to them when you ask what kind of whisky we carry. If you listen to us ramble all the whiskies we carry and you proceed to order one we didn’t list, that we obviously don’t have, then have us once again repeat our inventory, not a wise move. Listen! We have a very demanding, high energy, fast paced job, we don’t have a lot of time for chit-chat… We want to serve you along with everyone else quickly and correctly.  Another dumb move, “I’d like a bud light” and we ask, “bottle or can” and you proceed to say, “doesn’t matter” so we grab you a bottle, and you bitch because you wanted a can!! Just say you want a can of bud light. I mean is that really that hard to say? Or do you like to play games with the bartender? Makes no sense does it, don’t complicate things!! Seriously it makes life a lot easier for all.

Do not snap your fingers, wave at me, or shout my name… I know you exist just give me a minute. You are not my first customer so patients please. Do not slam your beer bottle, mug, or glass on my bar because I can almost guarantee you that I won’t serve you for a long time, so long you will probably end up leaving. Know the routine or rules of my bar, we all have them, kindly set the empty in my sight and I promise you I will refill you very quickly, I don’t want your quirky annoying noises. I am not your friend, I am your bartender, and I’m going to treat you like every other customer in here unless you do any of these things I have written about.  Also do not shout your orders at me when I’m in the middle of taking an order or making an order. Yes I’m good at multitasking but wait your turn just like every other person in here, just because you know my name does not make us friends.

Do not bitch and complain your drink isn’t strong enough. Seriously!! Either your already drunk and can’t taste the liquor in the drink or your just a raging alcoholic and nothing tastes strong enough. A normal shot is an ounce, our pores on our bottles are 1.5 ounces, so when I pour I’m pouring 1.5 and an extra so a total of 2 ounces, So when I’m tending your almost getting a double, so please don’t tell me your drink isn’t strong enough because I’m gonna smash you in the face! You are getting a very generous drink when I’m bar tending and if you don’t tip me well then you will get exactly a one ounce shot in every drink from now on. I will also take out a shot glass with the line on it and literally pour a shot into to it every time to make your drink, so don’t bitch!! Bitching gets you no where and I do not care how busy I am at this point, I will make it a point to fuck with you right back.

Please be clean! Don’t shred the bar napkins and keep taking more, don’t break the plastic swords we use for garnishes, don’t break, bend, or chew on numerous straws, and don’t break the toothpicks. Would you do this at home? Would you leave this mess on your kitchen counter or kitchen tables? Then don’t do it here! This is a public place not your dumping ground. Have respect for other people who are here to get out and have a nice day or evening out! You aren’t toddlers, we aren’t here to clean up your mess, please be respectful of yourself, others around your, and of us. This is how we support our families, cleaning up after you takes away more of what we could be doing for others. It’s just common sense and not a lot of people use that or even have it. If you do decide to help and clean up the mess you just created, please don’t place the torn up, used, gross napkins in the drinking glasses, this only makes it worse for us to clean them out. Please just find the nearest garbage, I’m sure they are all in plain sight, just use your eyes and if you can’t locate one, I am sure the bartender will point you in the right direction. Don’t reach over the bar and grab our limes, lemons, or pickles. Don’t reach over our bar to grab a clean glass because like a careless dumb ass you just spilled your drink.

When the bar is jammed and extremely busy, don’t order something complicated, seriously, if it has to be complicated like a superman shot order at least 4 or more, to make it worth the bartenders time, making one of these is such a pain in the ass and a waste of time. When its busy and you order a bloody Mary be prepared to be told no, if you want a good one made from scratch it takes some time, or be prepared to wait a few minutes. If you’re ordering for multiple people please know the orders or what everyone asks. It makes life so much easier for all of us. Service is so much quicker when you do and a lot less frustrating.