child abuse – Mirror Image

When I say Goodbye….

Is it a stomachache or a knot, could it be butterflies, or just another trick the mind plays? Is the ego playing games with my subconscious, who really has control of all these thoughts, feelings, and chaos in my head? What am I feeling? Why do I feel? Why won’t the storm pass already and give some relief, a time for growth, understanding, and compromise? The hysteria is deafening, and I am overly tired from battling the blackness that has encompassed my very existence in this world. Is it normal to feel all these feelings or to question every single aspect of life presented to you now? I have no answers or explanations to cover these questions I ask myself daily, I only have life experiences from my point of view and that point of view has either been portrayed poorly or comprehended poorly, you decide!

I struggle daily, some days a lot more than others, I hold a hard face sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a frown. I act okay or unharmed but inside I am dead, well not completely dead, but just about. I find myself not becoming hurt as quickly as I can turn a blind eye rather quickly and throw those emotions away, I have been told I’m a black dark soul, I am not that, but I can tell you my heart is black as death, and I don’t think I will ever bleed red again. I am not okay with this analogy because my feelings do come to surface occasionally, not so much lately, but on occasion a rare nerve is pricked and I feel again, does that mean there is hope? I pray in a sense that there is hope, crawling out of this dark hole to see the sunlight or the moonlight is a rather far stretch but I still have a small inkling of belief in myself. I reminisce about walking barefoot on the green grass that is dampened with the nights dew, the full moon as bright as possible in the sky above, a gentle breeze captivates the curls in my hair, with no concern of those curls frizzing, I find myself at peace amongst the creatures of the night, with the most amazing smell of mother earth all around me. Is it the ground beneath those feet that calls me home? No for I will never be buried six feet under, rather I will be thrown into that wind under that full moon dancing in that gentle breeze free from the chaos that has been trapped in this earth body!!

The look of criticism is harsh, the words of criticism are sharper than razor blades, the wound created leaves a nasty scar, and that scar is a forever trigger of a failure you partook in. When you walk alone in this hurtful world you learn creative ways to cope with hurt, anger, and loneliness, it’s one of the worse things anyone could go through. It’s the most amazing thing how your brain tricks you to protect you yet leaves little subtle clues that can be triggered to create even more hurt in your later years of life. The walls that are built to either deal with that memory or to totally bury it; but remember nothing stays buried for ever because mother earth always rids herself of toxicity. Those buried memories become remains to be dissected at later points, deal with them now, don’t create a dungeon of hurt inside those walls of that brain, because you will become to that point where you question whether you should continue or forfeit.

I would love to expose every single piece of shit that I allowed to hurt, abuse, or use me in such ways that created confidence issue within me. I don’t want to give them the proper credit because they don’t deserve the recognition, yet I feel I need to talk about the actions that led me to feel like the ugliest piece of shit to ever be born.

I will never be good enough! I openly give myself to everyone, I trust everyone, I am an open book, I have complete and total trust in you, yet that is never given back to me, its always disrespect! Tell me that I am the most beautiful girl you’ve ever laid eyes upon, yet you have a girlfriend back home, you tell me that I am your soulmate, yet you move across the seas to marry her only to keep me at a distance in case it doesn’t work out, you abuse me verbally and physically because I was actually too strong for you to control so to keep me at bay you abuse me to the point of no return (yes I was actually in this same exact spot once before and survived it), you cheat on me with girls you know I dislike, you want to control me, keep me as a pet, someone I am not, everyone wants in my pants but never willing to actually be with me, I bare my soul and feelings to you only to find out your married, I date you yet you cheat on me yet keep playing with me, fly home and want to have sex yet your roommate girlfriend is home in your bed, I am only good enough to cuddle with, when the world is crashing around you and another girl hurts you then I’m good enough but never good enough to go on a cross country bike ride with you or to even acknowledge our pictures on Facebook, I’m the most amazing girl yet you lie to me about your drug issues and sexual addiction so you continue to be with your abusive girlfriend and cheat, oh but I’m only a sex text away right? Send me a nude picture after a year of no communication but suddenly when no one wants anything to do with you I am ok or good enough again. I am that hideous stain in the couch that is always covered up by something until nothing is available. Talk to me for 3 years trying to get me to have a drink with you, texting, then we hang out and text flirty texts and I am no longer good enough for your drug running ass. Oh, this is just the beginning of the fabulous useless men I have encountered. They all have a few things in common, addictions, compulsive lying, egomaniacs, abusive personalities and narcissists.

When you walk around with buried sadness it destroys any hope that you may have, you over analyze things that wouldn’t hurt the normal healthy person, you lift your heavy eye lids to look into a mirror of a reflection that you can’t fucking stand. The image in the mirror that glares back at you is so disgusting that there is not one good thing that you could compliment that image on. Fighting back tears of utter disgust you get on barely with your daily activities asking yourself numerous times a day, how am I going to do this? Some how you manage to slither through the day with what seems like your shit is together when in reality one minor sliver of disrespect can shatter the mirror image you carry around. Amazing how humans are such great actors, who would ever think that I carry so much pain and grief around inside me, sure this resting bitch face must give some of my secrets away, or could it be the upkeep on my hair, or the perfect eyebrows, tattooed eyeliner, tattoos, eyelashes, perfect makeup, or the clothes I select for todays mood, if only the mind did not play such tricks, the eyes they say are the doorways to the soul but they also trick us into believing such ridiculous garbage!! Oh, how those simple things that people use to rip me apart can only signal their own sadness within, jealousy, hate yet with no compassion how that must make me an already damaged soul feel. The one thing that I do to help build my confidence that has been ruined by past relationships are now being judged by complete strangers that know absolutely nothing about me. So strange the human race is, to be trained to act out of anger, jealousy, and hate to make yourself feel better for one second. Shame shame shame!! Yet all this pain leads to ones to question their very existence on this earth, why I allow others to control my sanity and happiness. I can’t blame it on years of abuse, or can I? I am the only one that can change these behavioral patterns, to rewire the thought process is yet a whole other journey.

I can’t blame everything on the male species because females are just as nasty if not harsher! I shake my head as I reread that sentence because I can honestly say females suck!! I suck! I get it! I am also to blame for all my sorrows too, I admit to being the second half of the problem, I never allowed myself to heal yet I was never given the tools to do so. I have been used by females too, when they needed an excuse to meet their married boyfriends, I was the scape goat, when they needed rides to other cities to see their married boyfriends guess who drove them, guess who kept their secrets? When these boyfriends no longer wanted their companion guess who was no longer good enough? (Raising my hand) yes, I was tossed to the curb as if my investment in that so called friendship wasn’t respected. When their life is so shitty and they get fired from every single job guess whose fault that is, mine, when my money runs out and I need the help, guess who is no longer needed? When I don’t fit in because I am not a drinker or a drug user, I’m no longer invited or needed because I don’t fit in now, guess who suddenly becomes good enough because I know people in the band so they reach out to see if I can hook them up, fucking please bitches!

These issues may seem trivial to you or ridiculous, but to me they are not. I am not writing to gain sympathy yet to gain reality in my own mind, maybe seeing the pain written down can free the storm clouds before its too late. I don’t want to wake up and question why I do this every day. I don’t want to feel sad or darkness, I have feelings too, I am not a bad person, I am hurting, and I am admitting that I need to deal with this trauma before it becomes trauma for someone else. I hope that I can write and express in a way that it will click like an Edison light bulb and that light will be so bright that it sheds tears of joy. I should not have to question whether I am good enough or not, I should not fear that what comes out of your mouth will hurt me, I should not fear that today will be my last day. I love with all my heart and soul, I have so many battle wounds that yes you need to be gentle, don’t treat me like I am an idiot or there is something wrong with me, I have a voice, opinions, feelings, fears, that deserve to be heard and respected. When I feel like a caged animal I shut down, I turn you off, you are done, I know this is wrong so much, my battle wounds have been reopened and closed so many times, I just want to be respected, loved, and heard!! I deserve that!!! Everyone deserves that. If I raise my voice just listen, it just means that I feel like you aren’t listening or respecting my opinion, I have been told to shut up or stop talking since I was three years old, its now your time to shut the fuck up and listen! If I cry when I am talking to you, it means I’m being honest, passionate, it has value and meaning in what I am trying to convey! Everyone who speaks or has words has value and meaning, you may not agree but shut the fuck up, respect it and just listen. Sometimes just shutting up and listening can save someone’s life! Please before you say goodbye just listen…. Speaking is freeing and valuable in more ways than you will ever be able to understand.

Part One…

The ground was cool to touch as the sun was rising, the grass still damp from the nights tears creating a dew upon the the earths surface, as my tiny feet walked amongst the cold ground and the crisp air took my breath away, my heart fluttered with the warmth of the sun around me, I felt safe. I was five or six years old, walking between the apartment building and the house next door to us, I was alone, and free at that moment until I came up to that camper that sat in between the house and our apartment complex. I stood there completely frozen, not from the crisp air, but the memories of what happened in that camper, I knew I was alone, so I continued to search for toys that I loved so much but haven’t been able to find. After collecting myself and feeling the warmth of the sun, I continued up to the trailer where I met the sidewalk and the garbage can that stood next to our apartment building. I searched the ground for the toys that I so loved, as simple as it seemed, the pretend forks, spoons, cups, plates, I loved, and enjoyed playing pretend with where missing. The garbage can lid was half on and half off, so pushed the top off hoping the tumbling of the lid didn’t create a distraction of my presence. I remember getting on my tippy toes to peek into that garbage can, low and behold there stood my toy fork and spoon. He told me he would take everything I ever loved from me if I didn’t do as I was told. Slowly but surely he took little by little everything from me.

One afternoon I decided to play outside, it was sunny, I loved the sun so much, I felt like it kept a loving protective glow around me. I also thought the moon followed me, I remember driving late at night in the car with my grandmother, always intrigued by the moon, it was magical to me, my place to escape, I would tell her that it was following me, I believed it, and I still do. The sun also became a blanket of security for me too, maybe it was some sort of escape from reality for me but it helped me and the thought still helps me to this day. This one afternoon I was tired from playing hard, my mom had a lawn chair out in the front yard next to the sidewalk, I took it upon myself to lay down on my belly, the right side of my face towards the lawn chair, while the left side soaked up the glow of that sun. The day was gorgeous, in my mind one of the most gorgeous days ever, not too hot not too cold, perfect amount of sun with a breeze from Lake Superior, I slept there for I have no idea how long. I was so relaxed, so happy, I was safe, in the arms of the suns warmth. Until the storm loamed over me and covered me in his shadow. Laying there paralyzed, I pretended to be asleep as he kicked the lawn chair, talking to someone, my breathing became so heavy, I wanted to cry, I laid there still as ever as he rubbed the back of my tiny leg, and walked away. I tuned out his voice as he was talking, I knew it was him, I knew as I heard the sounds of foot steps that it was his energy approaching me, the sun couldn’t protect me, his gloom was too much, paralyzed moments after he left, I jumped up and hid in my room.

I hated that apartment! We lived on the bottom level, he lived on the second level with his family, the neighbors had sons, I want to say two sons, but I blocked out so much of the trauma I can’t quite remember, we would play with his younger brother, we (me, my sister) where the same age. I don’t remember what happened in that camper next to the apartment and the house but I know my clothes where removed, I had lost a sock, it was in that camper, my mom was so mad at me for loosing that sock, but I wouldn’t ever go back in there to get it. He took us (my sister and I) in that camper with the neighbor boy, sometimes he would be by himself, he would tell us that if we told anyone he would destroy all our toys, we would be the ones in trouble, we never said a word…. He hated me!! He tormented me the worse, would get the neighbor kids to tease me, take my toys, break them, and just follow me, just his glare, his stare gave me the worse nightmares. When his family moved, I was so happy, I thought it was over, I knew no better, I thought this was normal, I didn’t think anyone would believe me, so I shut down. I trusted no one and it only got worse, we moved to the same street, 3 houses away from them, it only got worse…..

I went from being a social butterfly in Kindergarten, I remember always getting into trouble for talking to everyone, getting up and going to my friends tables, playing with friends, being the typical kid, to complete social anxiety, quite, scared, and living in a nightmare within myself. My self worth diminished, I didn’t know what these feelings where, I didn’t know what being depressed at 6 or 7 meant, I just knew I was having things done to me that I did not like, I was being ridiculed for the way I looked, for the way my body was growing, and I had no one to talk too. Friendships scared me, I trusted no one, I became socially awkward, I became numb, didn’t care, struggled with school, acted out, and realized that men where a huge disappointment. In my mind my father didn’t want me which caused a huge void and insecurity with in me and then I had my families best friends son sexually and mentally abusing me and my sister. My self image shattered and when I looked into that mirror and seen that broken mirror imagine I seen nothing but ugliness. All this learned and felt by the age seven…..

SELF REFLECTION:

At 44 years old, in this moment, as I lay here writing this, I still feel nothing, I am hoping that as I write this, I get angry, I get pissed off, I cry, I punch something, I scream, I laugh, I forgive, and I let it go, my life has been nothing but a long ass line of fuckerary. I have emitted energy of abuse therefor attracting abusive men and women into my life, it stops now! I have found my voice! I have found the love for myself, I glued all those shattered pieces back together in the most amazing imperfect piece of art. My journey starts today as I talk about the shit that has happened to me, I want to talk about it, I want to share with someone, I want to free myself from that shadow that loomed over me that one day in that lawn chair. I was robbed of the majority of my life but its never too late to start to heal, become better, and create the journey you always wanted. I want to help other people who have shared in the struggle of abuse and help create an awareness and a safe place for them to go. I have ruined so many friendships and relationships because I couldn’t let the hurt go, I couldn’t trust someone, I played the victim and was just stuck on repeat, almost like ground hogs day, the loop just kept going and going and going, until now. I smile now because I know these memories cant hurt me, he will never hurt me, he started this pattern of abuse, I wish I would have been strong enough to stand up to him long ago, he wasn’t the first abusive person to come into my life, I have had many, but that now stops. As I state at the screen and the words flow, I find a sense of that sunshine and that moon creating a gentle blanket of warmth, safety around me, I know that some days will be better than others talking about this, but its time, its time to share, its time to heal, and its time for me to take the reigns of my life back. The things I am going to talk about aren’t going to be for the faint of heart, its not going to be good, maybe graphic, maybe traumatic to someone else, but the darkness in my head is leaving, my mind is opening up to so many new possibilities because its not fogged down by a depressive shadow looming. Why now you may wonder? When you ask now, why now, I can’t answer that, it just feels right, I feel it in my body, my soul, like its bursting out of the seams to be told, its time for my story, I hope that I can help at least one person. I ask for no sympathy just encouragement while I write my journey. I appreciate the fact that I am finally able to do this, so please stay tuned to help me while I go along.

Tag: child abuse

When I say Goodbye…

Surviving a Life Time of Abuse