Tag: depression

In the end it doesn’t even matter…..

~ Sparrow ~ 1 Comment

Lincoln Park said it best, in the end it doesn’t even matter…. I had to fall to loose it all!!!

I have tried so hard, so hard to do my best, so hard to accomplish tasks, to be the best person I could be, I’ve tried so hard to be a terrible person too, I have tried so hard to hide my demons, to hide my trauma, to hide my pain, I have tried so hard to be someone that I am not, I have tried so hard to make everyone happy, I have done so much in my life time to mask my pain by making everyone and everything else a priority before ME!! So when you start to accept yourself, your past, your trauma, you’re hurt, and put yourself first you then come to the realization that everyone around you is a fake. When you hide who you are for so long it’s hard for others to accept the persona in front of them, they start to judge or make fun of, criticize you or make fun of, when in reality it is themselves who are so hard up for acceptance. The acceptance of others has always been something I would work so hard on, I would go above and beyond to make sure everyone liked me, or if they didn’t like me then I would try to correct it. Don’t do this!!! Don’t waste your time worrying about what other insecure people think of you, its hard enough to have to deal with the insecurities you hold then to correct others. I am a very empathetic person so I can feel and read people so well, which leads me to carry a lot of excess emotions that deeply affect me internally. I could never understand how to tame the turmoil within me from carrying all this excess weight of others, it finally exploded within me as a major shit storm, now I am sitting at the very bottom of that damn 6 foot dug hole trying to get the fuck back out. Now don’t get me wrong I myself dug that 6 foot hole myself now I need to figure how to get back up and out. The ground down here is way to cold, dark, and scary…..

The madness swirls like a tornado within me, sometimes it hides, emerges like a Gail of wind, but worse becomes a hurricane, I am at that hurricane stage right now, like the highest category shit storm hurricane. How did I just sit in loneliness and allow it to pass? How do you fight it? I don’t know… I have my good days and I have my bad days, something dramatic happens in my life and the wind storm picks up flooding me with every single failure of life, so I sit in silence watching a black and white movie in my mind alone, with my own thoughts, my whole life flashes in front of me, but is this where I can heal those events and take something positive from these bleak periods? Hmmmm I need to think upon that because I do believe so, I do believe there is a reason I must go through this, I am an ever-changing canvas of explosive art just on the brink of creating something profound. I need to just hang on for another minute even if that task seems so daunting, something keeps pushing me, keeps guiding me through the madness of my own thoughts. As the Mad Hatter said in “Alice in Wonderlands”, “I shall elucidate” and I shall…. Just give me time to process the spiral of Choas that has erupted around me, such Choas in 45 years of life but it shall all make sense in due time. As for time is so precious and so much of it has been wasted, its an honor to have time, here I am consuming it with depression and darkness.

I need to stop condoning myself for failures, failures are actually wins, it means you are winning in life, it may seem like you have taken a step back but it doesn’t mean its a bad thing, it just means that life event wasn’t what was needed to progress forward. I beat myself up for believing I am failure, failing myself is something I can not stand doing, but walking away from a job that you are belittled or unappreciated doesn’t make you a failure. Walking away from a friendship or relationship doesn’t mean you failed, it just means the energy they are emitting doesn’t correlate with the energy you are emitting. Some people are such energy vampires and downers, so allowing individuals like this in your life only bring your mental mentality down, negative energy attracts negative energy. Individuals with a lot of drama, hate, negativity, oh is me, only puts you in that same state of mind, struggling with your own hurt and pain is an energy drainer for other people too. Finding a fine line to deal with, heal, and be positive is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, the hard part isn’t the pain you’re feeling, it’s letting it go. We get so trapped up in our own feelings, feeling sorry for ourselves, and playing the victim it just digs that fucking grave deeper for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, practice what you preach huh?

Stop allowing others to mould your opinions of yourself, stop having expectations of people or situations or relationships, I have learned that having expectations only end up allowing you a lot of emotional damage and self doubt. I have realized it isn’t me being wrong, it is the energy I allow to invade my space, the darkness I allow to cloud my judgement, the opinions of the worthless that break me down. I could be flawless but still not good enough for someone and that isn’t me its the person I allow to suck my energy. I don’t need to change being the person that I am, having a big heart, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, just don’t give your total self to them right away. Don’t be so overly willing to give them your absolute best, let them work for it, don’t be completely guarded but slowly expose the beauty of you like a puzzle piece at a time. Not everyone I meet is going to be good for me so I have to stop being so eager to trust them, I always end up hurting myself by rushing things so fast and holding such high expectations. I am a shattered mirror frantically trying to glue my pieces back together, I have scars and flaws, but those are beautiful parts of me that someone lucky will be invited into to see the real painting. Everything and everyone is beautiful with so much to offer, there is just so many ugly beings out there so caught up in their own ego, they can’t bare to stand the significance they could have had in front of them. Most people will never ever learn the hate they carry or the pain they have caused others but the ones that can and make a difference are magical. I leave puzzle pieces of myself in every single story line in my life, I hope that tiny piece can impact someone along both our journeys, someday when my time has ended in this life time those puzzle pieces will reunite and all make sense to me. I get asked a lot why do I want to share my pain, my opinions, my trauma with the world, I sit here and talk about judgement, blind reactions, peoples egos, and it doesn’t even matter, this is my therapy, this is my way to let go of that shit storm holding me hostage within my own mind. This is my way to release the waste that has consumed my body for far too long, if I can relate, help, piss off, or even resinate with someone then my goal has been accomplished. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, bad shit has happened, I have done some bad shit, in the end it doesn’t even matter, as long as I try to be a better person every single day, learn to let the negative people go, and learn from my pain then I have already walked out of the storm in a ray of sunshine.

When I say Goodbye…

~ Sparrow ~ Leave a comment

When I say Goodbye….

Is it a stomachache or a knot, could it be butterflies, or just another trick the mind plays? Is the ego playing games with my subconscious, who really has control of all these thoughts, feelings, and chaos in my head? What am I feeling? Why do I feel? Why won’t the storm pass already and give some relief, a time for growth, understanding, and compromise? The hysteria is deafening, and I am overly tired from battling the blackness that has encompassed my very existence in this world. Is it normal to feel all these feelings or to question every single aspect of life presented to you now? I have no answers or explanations to cover these questions I ask myself daily, I only have life experiences from my point of view and that point of view has either been portrayed poorly or comprehended poorly, you decide!

I struggle daily, some days a lot more than others, I hold a hard face sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a frown. I act okay or unharmed but inside I am dead, well not completely dead, but just about. I find myself not becoming hurt as quickly as I can turn a blind eye rather quickly and throw those emotions away, I have been told I’m a black dark soul, I am not that, but I can tell you my heart is black as death, and I don’t think I will ever bleed red again. I am not okay with this analogy because my feelings do come to surface occasionally, not so much lately, but on occasion a rare nerve is pricked and I feel again, does that mean there is hope? I pray in a sense that there is hope, crawling out of this dark hole to see the sunlight or the moonlight is a rather far stretch but I still have a small inkling of belief in myself. I reminisce about walking barefoot on the green grass that is dampened with the nights dew, the full moon as bright as possible in the sky above, a gentle breeze captivates the curls in my hair, with no concern of those curls frizzing, I find myself at peace amongst the creatures of the night, with the most amazing smell of mother earth all around me. Is it the ground beneath those feet that calls me home? No for I will never be buried six feet under, rather I will be thrown into that wind under that full moon dancing in that gentle breeze free from the chaos that has been trapped in this earth body!!

The look of criticism is harsh, the words of criticism are sharper than razor blades, the wound created leaves a nasty scar, and that scar is a forever trigger of a failure you partook in. When you walk alone in this hurtful world you learn creative ways to cope with hurt, anger, and loneliness, it’s one of the worse things anyone could go through. It’s the most amazing thing how your brain tricks you to protect you yet leaves little subtle clues that can be triggered to create even more hurt in your later years of life. The walls that are built to either deal with that memory or to totally bury it; but remember nothing stays buried for ever because mother earth always rids herself of toxicity. Those buried memories become remains to be dissected at later points, deal with them now, don’t create a dungeon of hurt inside those walls of that brain, because you will become to that point where you question whether you should continue or forfeit.

I would love to expose every single piece of shit that I allowed to hurt, abuse, or use me in such ways that created confidence issue within me. I don’t want to give them the proper credit because they don’t deserve the recognition, yet I feel I need to talk about the actions that led me to feel like the ugliest piece of shit to ever be born.

I will never be good enough! I openly give myself to everyone, I trust everyone, I am an open book, I have complete and total trust in you, yet that is never given back to me, its always disrespect! Tell me that I am the most beautiful girl you’ve ever laid eyes upon, yet you have a girlfriend back home, you tell me that I am your soulmate, yet you move across the seas to marry her only to keep me at a distance in case it doesn’t work out, you abuse me verbally and physically because I was actually too strong for you to control so to keep me at bay you abuse me to the point of no return (yes I was actually in this same exact spot once before and survived it), you cheat on me with girls you know I dislike, you want to control me, keep me as a pet, someone I am not, everyone wants in my pants but never willing to actually be with me, I bare my soul and feelings to you only to find out your married, I date you yet you cheat on me yet keep playing with me, fly home and want to have sex yet your roommate girlfriend is home in your bed, I am only good enough to cuddle with, when the world is crashing around you and another girl hurts you then I’m good enough but never good enough to go on a cross country bike ride with you or to even acknowledge our pictures on Facebook, I’m the most amazing girl yet you lie to me about your drug issues and sexual addiction so you continue to be with your abusive girlfriend and cheat, oh but I’m only a sex text away right? Send me a nude picture after a year of no communication but suddenly when no one wants anything to do with you I am ok or good enough again. I am that hideous stain in the couch that is always covered up by something until nothing is available. Talk to me for 3 years trying to get me to have a drink with you, texting, then we hang out and text flirty texts and I am no longer good enough for your drug running ass. Oh, this is just the beginning of the fabulous useless men I have encountered. They all have a few things in common, addictions, compulsive lying, egomaniacs, abusive personalities and narcissists.

When you walk around with buried sadness it destroys any hope that you may have, you over analyze things that wouldn’t hurt the normal healthy person, you lift your heavy eye lids to look into a mirror of a reflection that you can’t fucking stand. The image in the mirror that glares back at you is so disgusting that there is not one good thing that you could compliment that image on.  Fighting back tears of utter disgust you get on barely with your daily activities asking yourself numerous times a day, how am I going to do this? Some how you manage to slither through the day with what seems like your shit is together when in reality one minor sliver of disrespect can shatter the mirror image you carry around. Amazing how humans are such great actors, who would ever think that I carry so much pain and grief around inside me, sure this resting bitch face must give some of my secrets away, or could it be the upkeep on my hair, or the perfect eyebrows, tattooed eyeliner, tattoos, eyelashes, perfect makeup, or the clothes I select for todays mood, if only the mind did not play such tricks, the eyes they say are the doorways to the soul but they also trick us into believing such ridiculous garbage!! Oh, how those simple things that people use to rip me apart can only signal their own sadness within, jealousy, hate yet with no compassion how that must make me an already damaged soul feel. The one thing that I do to help build my confidence that has been ruined by past relationships are now being judged by complete strangers that know absolutely nothing about me. So strange the human race is, to be trained to act out of anger, jealousy, and hate to make yourself feel better for one second. Shame shame shame!! Yet all this pain leads to ones to question their very existence on this earth, why I allow others to control my sanity and happiness. I can’t blame it on years of abuse, or can I? I am the only one that can change these behavioral patterns, to rewire the thought process is yet a whole other journey.

I can’t blame everything on the male species because females are just as nasty if not harsher! I shake my head as I reread that sentence because I can honestly say females suck!! I suck! I get it! I am also to blame for all my sorrows too, I admit to being the second half of the problem, I never allowed myself to heal yet I was never given the tools to do so. I have been used by females too, when they needed an excuse to meet their married boyfriends, I was the scape goat, when they needed rides to other cities to see their married boyfriends guess who drove them, guess who kept their secrets? When these boyfriends no longer wanted their companion guess who was no longer good enough? (Raising my hand) yes, I was tossed to the curb as if my investment in that so called friendship wasn’t respected. When their life is so shitty and they get fired from every single job guess whose fault that is, mine, when my money runs out and I need the help, guess who is no longer needed? When I don’t fit in because I am not a drinker or a drug user, I’m no longer invited or needed because I don’t fit in now, guess who suddenly becomes good enough because I know people in the band so they reach out to see if I can hook them up, fucking please bitches!

These issues may seem trivial to you or ridiculous, but to me they are not. I am not writing to gain sympathy yet to gain reality in my own mind, maybe seeing the pain written down can free the storm clouds before its too late. I don’t want to wake up and question why I do this every day. I don’t want to feel sad or darkness, I have feelings too, I am not a bad person, I am hurting, and I am admitting that I need to deal with this trauma before it becomes trauma for someone else. I hope that I can write and express in a way that it will click like an Edison light bulb and that light will be so bright that it sheds tears of joy. I should not have to question whether I am good enough or not, I should not fear that what comes out of your mouth will hurt me, I should not fear that today will be my last day. I love with all my heart and soul, I have so many battle wounds that yes you need to be gentle, don’t treat me like I am an idiot or there is something wrong with me, I have a voice, opinions, feelings, fears, that deserve to be heard and respected. When I feel like a caged animal I shut down, I turn you off, you are done, I know this is wrong so much, my battle wounds have been reopened and closed so many times, I just want to be respected, loved, and heard!! I deserve that!!! Everyone deserves that. If I raise my voice just listen, it just means that I feel like you aren’t listening or respecting my opinion, I have been told to shut up or stop talking since I was three years old, its now your time to shut the fuck up and listen! If I cry when I am talking to you, it means I’m being honest, passionate, it has value and meaning in what I am trying to convey! Everyone who speaks or has words has value and meaning, you may not agree but shut the fuck up, respect it and just listen. Sometimes just shutting up and listening can save someone’s life! Please before you say goodbye just listen…. Speaking is freeing and valuable in more ways than you will ever be able to understand.