Lincoln Park said it best, in the end it doesn’t even matter…. I had to fall to loose it all!!!

I have tried so hard, so hard to do my best, so hard to accomplish tasks, to be the best person I could be, I’ve tried so hard to be a terrible person too, I have tried so hard to hide my demons, to hide my trauma, to hide my pain, I have tried so hard to be someone that I am not, I have tried so hard to make everyone happy, I have done so much in my life time to mask my pain by making everyone and everything else a priority before ME!! So when you start to accept yourself, your past, your trauma, you’re hurt, and put yourself first you then come to the realization that everyone around you is a fake. When you hide who you are for so long it’s hard for others to accept the persona in front of them, they start to judge or make fun of, criticize you or make fun of, when in reality it is themselves who are so hard up for acceptance. The acceptance of others has always been something I would work so hard on, I would go above and beyond to make sure everyone liked me, or if they didn’t like me then I would try to correct it. Don’t do this!!! Don’t waste your time worrying about what other insecure people think of you, its hard enough to have to deal with the insecurities you hold then to correct others. I am a very empathetic person so I can feel and read people so well, which leads me to carry a lot of excess emotions that deeply affect me internally. I could never understand how to tame the turmoil within me from carrying all this excess weight of others, it finally exploded within me as a major shit storm, now I am sitting at the very bottom of that damn 6 foot dug hole trying to get the fuck back out. Now don’t get me wrong I myself dug that 6 foot hole myself now I need to figure how to get back up and out. The ground down here is way to cold, dark, and scary…..

The madness swirls like a tornado within me, sometimes it hides, emerges like a Gail of wind, but worse becomes a hurricane, I am at that hurricane stage right now, like the highest category shit storm hurricane. How did I just sit in loneliness and allow it to pass? How do you fight it? I don’t know… I have my good days and I have my bad days, something dramatic happens in my life and the wind storm picks up flooding me with every single failure of life, so I sit in silence watching a black and white movie in my mind alone, with my own thoughts, my whole life flashes in front of me, but is this where I can heal those events and take something positive from these bleak periods? Hmmmm I need to think upon that because I do believe so, I do believe there is a reason I must go through this, I am an ever-changing canvas of explosive art just on the brink of creating something profound. I need to just hang on for another minute even if that task seems so daunting, something keeps pushing me, keeps guiding me through the madness of my own thoughts. As the Mad Hatter said in “Alice in Wonderlands”, “I shall elucidate” and I shall…. Just give me time to process the spiral of Choas that has erupted around me, such Choas in 45 years of life but it shall all make sense in due time. As for time is so precious and so much of it has been wasted, its an honor to have time, here I am consuming it with depression and darkness.

I need to stop condoning myself for failures, failures are actually wins, it means you are winning in life, it may seem like you have taken a step back but it doesn’t mean its a bad thing, it just means that life event wasn’t what was needed to progress forward. I beat myself up for believing I am failure, failing myself is something I can not stand doing, but walking away from a job that you are belittled or unappreciated doesn’t make you a failure. Walking away from a friendship or relationship doesn’t mean you failed, it just means the energy they are emitting doesn’t correlate with the energy you are emitting. Some people are such energy vampires and downers, so allowing individuals like this in your life only bring your mental mentality down, negative energy attracts negative energy. Individuals with a lot of drama, hate, negativity, oh is me, only puts you in that same state of mind, struggling with your own hurt and pain is an energy drainer for other people too. Finding a fine line to deal with, heal, and be positive is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, the hard part isn’t the pain you’re feeling, it’s letting it go. We get so trapped up in our own feelings, feeling sorry for ourselves, and playing the victim it just digs that fucking grave deeper for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, practice what you preach huh?

Stop allowing others to mould your opinions of yourself, stop having expectations of people or situations or relationships, I have learned that having expectations only end up allowing you a lot of emotional damage and self doubt. I have realized it isn’t me being wrong, it is the energy I allow to invade my space, the darkness I allow to cloud my judgement, the opinions of the worthless that break me down. I could be flawless but still not good enough for someone and that isn’t me its the person I allow to suck my energy. I don’t need to change being the person that I am, having a big heart, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, just don’t give your total self to them right away. Don’t be so overly willing to give them your absolute best, let them work for it, don’t be completely guarded but slowly expose the beauty of you like a puzzle piece at a time. Not everyone I meet is going to be good for me so I have to stop being so eager to trust them, I always end up hurting myself by rushing things so fast and holding such high expectations. I am a shattered mirror frantically trying to glue my pieces back together, I have scars and flaws, but those are beautiful parts of me that someone lucky will be invited into to see the real painting. Everything and everyone is beautiful with so much to offer, there is just so many ugly beings out there so caught up in their own ego, they can’t bare to stand the significance they could have had in front of them. Most people will never ever learn the hate they carry or the pain they have caused others but the ones that can and make a difference are magical. I leave puzzle pieces of myself in every single story line in my life, I hope that tiny piece can impact someone along both our journeys, someday when my time has ended in this life time those puzzle pieces will reunite and all make sense to me. I get asked a lot why do I want to share my pain, my opinions, my trauma with the world, I sit here and talk about judgement, blind reactions, peoples egos, and it doesn’t even matter, this is my therapy, this is my way to let go of that shit storm holding me hostage within my own mind. This is my way to release the waste that has consumed my body for far too long, if I can relate, help, piss off, or even resinate with someone then my goal has been accomplished. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, bad shit has happened, I have done some bad shit, in the end it doesn’t even matter, as long as I try to be a better person every single day, learn to let the negative people go, and learn from my pain then I have already walked out of the storm in a ray of sunshine.