Part One…

The ground was cool to touch as the sun was rising, the grass still damp from the nights tears creating a dew upon the the earths surface, as my tiny feet walked amongst the cold ground and the crisp air took my breath away, my heart fluttered with the warmth of the sun around me, I felt safe. I was five or six years old, walking between the apartment building and the house next door to us, I was alone, and free at that moment until I came up to that camper that sat in between the house and our apartment complex. I stood there completely frozen, not from the crisp air, but the memories of what happened in that camper, I knew I was alone, so I continued to search for toys that I loved so much but haven’t been able to find. After collecting myself and feeling the warmth of the sun, I continued up to the trailer where I met the sidewalk and the garbage can that stood next to our apartment building. I searched the ground for the toys that I so loved, as simple as it seemed, the pretend forks, spoons, cups, plates, I loved, and enjoyed playing pretend with where missing. The garbage can lid was half on and half off, so pushed the top off hoping the tumbling of the lid didn’t create a distraction of my presence. I remember getting on my tippy toes to peek into that garbage can, low and behold there stood my toy fork and spoon. He told me he would take everything I ever loved from me if I didn’t do as I was told. Slowly but surely he took little by little everything from me.

One afternoon I decided to play outside, it was sunny, I loved the sun so much, I felt like it kept a loving protective glow around me. I also thought the moon followed me, I remember driving late at night in the car with my grandmother, always intrigued by the moon, it was magical to me, my place to escape, I would tell her that it was following me, I believed it, and I still do. The sun also became a blanket of security for me too, maybe it was some sort of escape from reality for me but it helped me and the thought still helps me to this day. This one afternoon I was tired from playing hard, my mom had a lawn chair out in the front yard next to the sidewalk, I took it upon myself to lay down on my belly, the right side of my face towards the lawn chair, while the left side soaked up the glow of that sun. The day was gorgeous, in my mind one of the most gorgeous days ever, not too hot not too cold, perfect amount of sun with a breeze from Lake Superior, I slept there for I have no idea how long. I was so relaxed, so happy, I was safe, in the arms of the suns warmth. Until the storm loamed over me and covered me in his shadow. Laying there paralyzed, I pretended to be asleep as he kicked the lawn chair, talking to someone, my breathing became so heavy, I wanted to cry, I laid there still as ever as he rubbed the back of my tiny leg, and walked away. I tuned out his voice as he was talking, I knew it was him, I knew as I heard the sounds of foot steps that it was his energy approaching me, the sun couldn’t protect me, his gloom was too much, paralyzed moments after he left, I jumped up and hid in my room.

I hated that apartment! We lived on the bottom level, he lived on the second level with his family, the neighbors had sons, I want to say two sons, but I blocked out so much of the trauma I can’t quite remember, we would play with his younger brother, we (me, my sister) where the same age. I don’t remember what happened in that camper next to the apartment and the house but I know my clothes where removed, I had lost a sock, it was in that camper, my mom was so mad at me for loosing that sock, but I wouldn’t ever go back in there to get it. He took us (my sister and I) in that camper with the neighbor boy, sometimes he would be by himself, he would tell us that if we told anyone he would destroy all our toys, we would be the ones in trouble, we never said a word…. He hated me!! He tormented me the worse, would get the neighbor kids to tease me, take my toys, break them, and just follow me, just his glare, his stare gave me the worse nightmares. When his family moved, I was so happy, I thought it was over, I knew no better, I thought this was normal, I didn’t think anyone would believe me, so I shut down. I trusted no one and it only got worse, we moved to the same street, 3 houses away from them, it only got worse…..

I went from being a social butterfly in Kindergarten, I remember always getting into trouble for talking to everyone, getting up and going to my friends tables, playing with friends, being the typical kid, to complete social anxiety, quite, scared, and living in a nightmare within myself. My self worth diminished, I didn’t know what these feelings where, I didn’t know what being depressed at 6 or 7 meant, I just knew I was having things done to me that I did not like, I was being ridiculed for the way I looked, for the way my body was growing, and I had no one to talk too. Friendships scared me, I trusted no one, I became socially awkward, I became numb, didn’t care, struggled with school, acted out, and realized that men where a huge disappointment. In my mind my father didn’t want me which caused a huge void and insecurity with in me and then I had my families best friends son sexually and mentally abusing me and my sister. My self image shattered and when I looked into that mirror and seen that broken mirror imagine I seen nothing but ugliness. All this learned and felt by the age seven…..

SELF REFLECTION:

At 44 years old, in this moment, as I lay here writing this, I still feel nothing, I am hoping that as I write this, I get angry, I get pissed off, I cry, I punch something, I scream, I laugh, I forgive, and I let it go, my life has been nothing but a long ass line of fuckerary. I have emitted energy of abuse therefor attracting abusive men and women into my life, it stops now! I have found my voice! I have found the love for myself, I glued all those shattered pieces back together in the most amazing imperfect piece of art. My journey starts today as I talk about the shit that has happened to me, I want to talk about it, I want to share with someone, I want to free myself from that shadow that loomed over me that one day in that lawn chair. I was robbed of the majority of my life but its never too late to start to heal, become better, and create the journey you always wanted. I want to help other people who have shared in the struggle of abuse and help create an awareness and a safe place for them to go. I have ruined so many friendships and relationships because I couldn’t let the hurt go, I couldn’t trust someone, I played the victim and was just stuck on repeat, almost like ground hogs day, the loop just kept going and going and going, until now. I smile now because I know these memories cant hurt me, he will never hurt me, he started this pattern of abuse, I wish I would have been strong enough to stand up to him long ago, he wasn’t the first abusive person to come into my life, I have had many, but that now stops. As I state at the screen and the words flow, I find a sense of that sunshine and that moon creating a gentle blanket of warmth, safety around me, I know that some days will be better than others talking about this, but its time, its time to share, its time to heal, and its time for me to take the reigns of my life back. The things I am going to talk about aren’t going to be for the faint of heart, its not going to be good, maybe graphic, maybe traumatic to someone else, but the darkness in my head is leaving, my mind is opening up to so many new possibilities because its not fogged down by a depressive shadow looming. Why now you may wonder? When you ask now, why now, I can’t answer that, it just feels right, I feel it in my body, my soul, like its bursting out of the seams to be told, its time for my story, I hope that I can help at least one person. I ask for no sympathy just encouragement while I write my journey. I appreciate the fact that I am finally able to do this, so please stay tuned to help me while I go along.