Failure

“a lack or deficiency of a desirable quality.”

Failure, what does that word mean to you? How does it make you feel? How do you stop negotiating with this word? Things that go through my mind, why didn’t I finish that, why didn’t I do that, how come I didn’t realize that was wrong, or where did I screw up? If “only” or what “if” or “why” me… playing the victim or making excuses has been my escape to reasons things didn’t work out in my favor! If I wouldn’t have given up, or listened to the nay sayers, or just stuck true to myself would I still feel this way? Of course I would, why? Because we are all our own worse critics! So how do we change this? Stop comparing your life with someone else’s, give yourself a damn break, and forgive yourself along with loving yourself! Now I need to preach what I sow because I’m so guilting of doing none of these!!

Growing up with extreme low self esteem has molded my self doubt and my failure attitude towards things! I do believe that everything happens for a reason, there is definitely a good and bad reason for failure, but finding the good out of every single situation is something we must find! Not liking yourself at a very young age has been my biggest struggle! I’m not exactly sure how these feelings imprinted into my head but I have things that I can blame them on, not having my biological father in my life was a huge deal for me, it made me feel unwanted, not good enough, and worthless my whole life! I often wondered what I did wrong, why I wasn’t good enough, and how could someone not love me? It hurts… I remember fathers breakfasts at school and I never had a dad, the kids would ask why or tease me, I never had an answer. Then my step dad stepped up and took me in as his own. He didn’t have too but he did! I had a person I could call dad, but when my sister and brother would get angry with me they would make sure I knew that he wasn’t my real dad he was theirs! Yes kids are cruel but it molded a sadness in my soul that just hasn’t ever left me, it’s given me an issue with trust when it comes to the male figure. Is that fair? Absolutely not but was that fair to me? No not at all! I understand not all men are liars, cheaters, dead beats, or abusers but distilled in my early adolescence mind that’s the portrait that was painted! It was a painful scar and I won’t allow it to impact me anymore! No one will ever understand the pain that it had caused me! I often wonder if I did have my real dad in my life how would I be today? Would I be successful or a loser? I will never know so why should I give a shit anymore? This shit thought has messed me up for 42 years and I’m sick of it controlling me! The self doubt and sadness is debilitating and I’m tired of it controlling me!

This lack of confidence has steered me into a spiral of toxic relationships that only made my mirror image uglier! It’s a sad shame that I let it control me on a conscious and subconscious level for so fucking long. I hated mirrors, I hated pictures of me, I hated the way I looked! I was never skinny enough, pretty enough, I was poor, not smart enough, I allowed the anger, hurt, anxiety, and depression destroy me for so long! So here I am with these scars, battle wounds, but I can look at them right now and realize that I am the better version of myself! No one else can be me or feel what I feel and that is magical! I am a beautiful person, I am a smart person, and I’m unique! There is never another me!! I HAVE TO BE THE BEST VERSION, the best me of all times! I have to sweep these bullshit insecure feelings into the wind and let it blow away!

Yes BAD things have happened to me, yes horrible abuse had taken place in my life, friends have used me and backstabbed me, yes I was a mean and bad person too, I’m blaming no one but myself for allowing this to bug and defy me! I allowed anxiety and depression to ruin my life because I let it! I gave up time and time again! I gave up on all my dreams so whose to blame for this but me… yes as a small child I had no knowledge like I do now but as I grew and learned I realized I have control over this and I never used my control! I was lazy and wanted to blame someone else because I couldn’t look in the mirror to see what I was doing to myself! It’s so much easier to blame someone else than to see it’s you all along!

So I sit here and this ache in my stomach wants to blame everyone whose ever done me wrong and I tell myself that I’m a fucking idiot! Stop playing the game! Stop being lazy and just get the fuck up and change your life! I have the power! I’ve had it all along! I want to be rich well guess what I need to work a little bit harder because there isn’t going to be anyone else out there to do it but myself! You can not count on anyone but yourself because you will continue to fail! I didn’t finish my degree? Well guess what get off your ass and finish it! Find a way, tomorrow is never a good day to start anything!! TODAY IS!! Today is MY DAY!! Make a plan now and stick to it! I’m in debt well I’m making a plan to get out of it, get a second job, stop making excuses! I was and am the queen of excuses!! I have disappointed myself and I’m sick of it!! I’m done!! FAILURE isn’t an option anymore!! I have to be a good role model for my son! Yes it’s been a rough road but it makes sense and it’s so easy! Why didn’t I see this before!! Excuse after excuse!! Yes depression is a real thing and it sucks! It’s horrible but it’s no one else’s fault but your own, fight it and beat it, I will always battle it but I’m not allowing it to win anymore! Will I eventually be able to look into a mirror and think I’m beautiful? Yes I will!! I have so much to say!! Some will be terrible and some will be funny but I’m ready to spread my wings and spread my words! I will be heard and I will help someone!! I am me and this is me, I’m healing, and I’m better today!! When I wake up tomorrow than I will be even better then but one day at a time! No more excuses and no more saying I will start tomorrow because it never happens! I will fall but I will always get back up broken bones and all. So this is going to be my story and I hope I can help at least one person!!